Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML
Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML
Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML
Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML
Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML
Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML
Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML
Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML
Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML
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Top comments
iLike2Teabag 27
You out that cow through a lot. Talk about tearing it a new one...
Jakeymd 9
No one deserves to experience that. FYL (was it like opening a can of coke that had been shook?)
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Comments (121)
iLike2Teabag 27
You out that cow through a lot. Talk about tearing it a new one...
karpoi 11
I do not understand what you are trying to say...
dreamer2012 16
Put maybe?
Slothapus 7
Wow that must have been bullshit.
phantumgrey 6
OP tore him a new a-hole!!
Laurenluvz 11
94, if you don't plan on using the actual word, don't swear at all. No ones going to hate you. I don't like swearing. It just makes you seem like you're innocence is stopping you from trying to be more open with your words. It's just my opinion though.
JenkJenks 6
Don't be an a hole. That will get you straight to h-e- double hockey sticks.
aliciajuice 13
#133, I was having a bad day but your comment made me laugh :)
nesteremily 31
I can't stop laughing at these comments
kibster9 20
It is a calf, not a cow.
Cian_1 28
Is that the cow equivalent of having a cleft lip? :P I feel so sorry for the poor cow! Must have been painful!
mimiminx 23
No it's the cattle equivalent to an imperforate anus - the same as human medicine. A cleft lip is at the other end of the animal and in no way similar. *face palm*
Cian_1 28
I do know that it is the other side of the body. It was a joke, albeit a rather rubbish one. Which I apologise for. :P
SammyS2012 21
That reminds me... when i was at the hospital for surgery, they placed me in a room shared with a baby who was born without a butt. I dont remember it, but apparently they cheered when the baby finally pooped
SammyS2012 21
Just thought I should share
doodlecloud 27
14 - The location on the body is kind of right there in the name...cleft 'lip'...
\ 28
#2 apologized for his failed attempt at humor and still received thumbs-down. FML is a cold, cold community. :(
thejimler 9
Better than having it pop.
donkeytowel 11
that sounds terrible! poor thing :( ..the animal, of course
Meme1988 18
Both actually! :(
RpiesSPIES 27
I think the only FML for OP is that she bought a calf with that defect... It's the calf that must go through the pain of constipation and whatever means OP used to carve out a hole... Cringed just saying that last bit. Also, I'm assuming because the FML says 'got' and doesn't specify between it being given birth by her cow or being purchased.
botanistjessica 24
Pretty sure it was born at their farm... You can't separate a calf from its mother immediately.
ShyAnn29 15
Diarrhea can be hard to spell, I have trouble with it sometimes.
ShyAnn29 15
Oops that comment was supposed to go to 3, it got sent here for some reason
Jakeymd 9
No one deserves to experience that. FYL (was it like opening a can of coke that had been shook?)
bamagrl410 31
Not only is this the saddest FML I've ever read, it also involves horrible mental images like this one. Poor calf =(
ElementaryEdGuy 18
Oh God. Why did you say that. Barf.
crazytwinsmom 25
Only if the calf had been running around.
gc327072 31
I actually really laughed at this rather than being grossed out. BOMBS AWAY!! *slit* *PLPLPBLAPBLAP*
CherryCola46 5
Oh my god that killed me ^
stargazur 9
Why would you do that DX Thanks, 5 for putting that image in my head
anmolm97 12
Look at the positive side.......you saved someone's life!! :D
imkool136 22
Sorry to burst you bubble but that cow will eventually end up being hand burger meat eventually
Imthedaddy11 16
Hamburger* and chances are it will be a veal cutlet or dairy cow
KingKralj 31
I love hand burgers
LiGhTMaGiCk 18
Holy Cow!!!
tj5810 21
Thanks to OP.
Elfkid21 19
i think you mean hole-less cow..
karpoi 11
**** the calf's life!!! It must suck to be constipated for that long.
Ameel_fml 19
Especially since it had only been born. Poor thing probably didn't have a clue what was going on. D:
maz95 17
Well I'm sure that the calf will now be forever grateful that you provided him with a butt hole in his time of need.
diaspora_fml 26
... for the few months that constitute forever for a calf ...
Pleonasm 36
My question is: won't the hole just seal itself back up, since it isn't technically an orifice made by the body? Won't OP have to do this a good few more times?
Hiimhaileypotter 53
#24- OP said the hole WAS there, but was sealed up by skin. I'm hoping it won't regrow. :(
tgod2013 5
Shouldn't regrow as long as the asshole is present, like any piercing
BlackRogue 8
24-not necessarily. As long as op keeps the cut tissue clean(most likely by applying antibiotic ointment) the cuts should just heal over and leave the calfs anus open so it can pass waste. Usually, when that happens, it's just a very thin flap of skin-it may not have even bled :)
ashesanddust 8
This can actually happen to human babies too. It's called an imperforate anus. But everyone's right, once they opened it, so long as it heals nicely it should be fine!
Sandsh8rk 36
Good on you for helping the calf :)
mubaki 18
Your profile picture totally matches the tone of this FML
sinn3r76 9
That's a shitty situation to be in