Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML
Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML
Today, I found out that my grandmother desecrated my grandfather's grave. 14 years after his death, she dug up his body and had him cremated so that she could sell his plot back to the cemetery for money. I was the one who found out so I had to tell the rest of the family. FML
Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML
Today, my grandma called me to see how my oral surgery went. She gave me a kiss over the phone, but when I tried to make the kiss sound back to her, the bandages got in the way and it came out as a fart sound. FML
Today, I just learned that the silly song my parents taught me as a small child, and would sometimes make me sing for the family, is actually a very thinly veiled series of penis jokes. Why just now? Because I hadn't thought about it for years, until my grandma brought it up at a reunion. FML
Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML
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Top comments
Dillyduzit 23
Nutrients.
sarah5745 41
You'd have been better off without that piece of information. Thanks grandma..
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Comments (73)
DARKDAY07 16
You can always say you dicked the rose bushes....
ohSNAPyall 27
Why would you want to say that?
aliciavanham 13
Haha that's way too much information that your grandma gave you.
lukian_fml 29
CAH doesn't have a dealer (everyone ensures they have 10 cards at all times), what rules are you playing?
sunnyray812 42
The "dealer" is the person who reads the question or sentence on one of the black cards. Everyone takes turns reading from one. He was the dealer in that round.
BiNeko 12
Awkward.
RA91 26
She sure did pick an awkward moment to disclose that, lol
enriquegonzolas 15
So I'm not the only one.. To play cards against humanity after thanksgiving dinner, that is.
Kramer1998 20
At least you got circumcised
Songstress 3
Yeah, poor OP. Genital mutilation is a pretty sick thing to do to a baby.
nicehotcupoftea 13
I've never heard of that game. How does it work?
Geckosrock99 33
Google it.
sunnyray812 42
It's a game for people who have a sick sense of humor. (Mwahahaha!!!!) Four or more players are needed. You have several stacks of white cards and one stack of black cards. Black cards have the questions, white cards have the sick answers. Every player gets ten white cards. Everyone gets a turn reading a black card (the dealer). Once it's read, the other players place whatever card they think is best (or rather the most inappropriate) and give it to the dealer. The dealer reads the question first then the answer out loud for each white card. The dealer then picks which answer was the best. Whoever had that card gets the point. Then everyone grabs a white card so they have a number of ten cards. They can't show anyone else their cards. It's hilarious.
nicehotcupoftea 13
Thanks for explaining :) sounds pretty awesome!
worldclassrager 41
For some reason my gut is saying that was her card
TrackGirl19 29
Haha I played this after we played football after dinner which was actually at lunch xD