Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML
Public freakout
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Pros and cons
Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML
Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML
Insane people are everywhere
Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness, as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML
Public freakout
Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML
Thanks, I hate it!
Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot, an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML
Today, I watched as a guy hit my car, laugh when he saw me running towards him, and drive away. FML
Top comments
lexiieeex3 32
There are some really shitty people in this world OP. I am truly sorry you had to experience this asshole.
Dreamsorrow93 24
This is why I carry a gun.
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Comments (102)
lexiieeex3 32
There are some really shitty people in this world OP. I am truly sorry you had to experience this asshole.
Drosophila82 18
Thank you captain obvious!
JskTheFork 14
stfu #38. they were trying to be nice
RhineBl 17
**** off, asshole.
Jason89 16
atleast you got to keep your bro ... karma will kick his ass
Dave_Davington 34
Spoiler warning: Karma is a load of feelgood, bastardised Hindu bullshit.
chuka81 27
I didn't realize the thief tried to steal OP's bro.
Abhinow 7
you r an asshole dave
Geckosrock99 33
Wow... You get beat up due to some thug's stupidity? Hope he got caught. FYL.
X_KassidyRose_X 12
Why didn't anybody help you?
lolfood 24
Maybe there was no one around?
Dreamsorrow93 24
This is why I carry a gun.
BillMurray_fml 12
Me too, and also partially why I drive standard shift. I gave you a thumbs-up to bring you out of the negatives, and I'm fully prepared to go to downthumb oblivion with you.
gracehi 33
I second the motion to vote Dreamsorrow up for not being afraid to defend herself.
Dreamsorrow93 24
And I will thumbs up you both for not being afraid to state what you think
jenn16zazu 16
the way you three stuck up for each other is amazing. I love it. dreamsorrow, if you use a gun, it's more power to you in my eyes. I can't use one, but it's a good thing to have for self defense! :) I voted all three of you up, because my faith in humanity has been restored. :)
chuka81 27
If everyone starts carrying a gun, it is likely the thieves would carry even bigger guns. And instead of a beating, OP would have been shot.
onlychildFTW 34
There's a point where it gets way to easy to get a gun. Nothing wrong with owning a gun, but it is way to easy to get one in some places. And what is allowed to be owned can be ridiculous as well.
ZombieSazza 34
I wish we had similar law with guns as the United States does (I'm Scottish), you wouldn't get as much shit happen if folk had guns to protect themselves.
hacksaw246 24
What gun can we own that is "ridiculous" to have??
noonenoeone 22
I've legitimately seen a redneck with a flamethrower...that crosses the line into ridiculous.
BillMurray_fml 12
#45 a flamethrower is not a gun. #34 it truly is a shame at what happened to gun rights in the UK after ww2
gracehi 33
Oh really, 27? And how are criminals going to step up from hand guns in public places, like where OP was attacked? Are they going to start carrying around shot guns and rifles? That would be pretty easy for police to spot, don't you think? And that hasn't happened yet in the southern US, where almost everyone does carry a gun. BTW, there happens to be less crime in the south too. Coincidence? I think not. Criminals are cowards at heart. Statistically they're much more likely to just leave someone who has a gun alone than attempt a shoot out. They want your car, your purse, or your wallet, not holes in their chest. They're not going to risk their lives. They look for vulnerable people, like how lions pick out the sick and injured zebras from the herd. A criminal wouldn't mess with someone who has a gun anymore than a lion would mess with a zebra who has claws and sharp teeth.
cari_cat 19
I live in England and I'm glad we don't have guns. Guns get into the wrong hands. American school shootings are such tragic things and I'm glad it doesn't happen here
davidpropert 32
Alright 53 and 59, you both are obviously misinformed about guns and gun rights. 53, you dont trust the system regarding guns??? If you shoot a home invader who is threatening you and your family inside your house you think "the system" can somehow screw up and charge you for defending yourself?? Thats absurd. 59, school shootings are not the guns fault. Guns dont kill people by magically firing by themselves, people kill people. School shootings dont happen because some troubled kid goes to his local gun shop and buys and M16. They get them from their parents who dont use proper safety measures at home ie locking the weapon in its case and being the sole proprietor of the key. Screen people who want to buy high round capacity guns to keep them in the right hands. Gun deaths and injuries are low in England, but look at the statistics for stabbings, theyre high as criminals resort to knives when guns arent present. Guns should be a citizens right to own to defend themselves. Besides, when a gun is illegal to obtain by law abiding citizens, what stops a criminal from obtaining them from underground weapons dealers? Finally, ordinary people need guns for the same reasons the government does. A Japanese general in WWII once said that a mainland invasion of the US would be impossible because "there would be a gun always pointed at our back." He wasnt wrong.
lexos 16
Is it really that bad where you live? I think it's sad that people need to have guns to feel safe. Where I live you would be the one that's in trouble if you would shoot a burglar.
davidpropert 32
66, while a gun does make you feel safe, thats not the only reason for owning one. People are unpredictable. Owning a gun is for protection against the criminals of the world. And i dont know what kind of fairy tale world you live in, where if you shoot a burglar who is threatening you and your family by intruding on your private property, that you can even remotely get in trouble for it. Hes trespassing in your house. what if hes armed? Are you just going to politely ask him to leave?
apcsox 18
Ditto here. Too many shady mother ******* in this world. I would rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.
lexos 16
@68 I live in the Netherlands in a small town that doesn't even have a police station.
ShowMeKay 20
#68 - If you search about the statistics, chances of a gun being used against the owner or a family member are much likelier than using it against an intruder. Having easy access to guns also allows for things like mass school shootings to occur far more frequently. Not saying it doesn't happen here, but when you compare these scenarios in a country like Canada vs the US, we definitely don't see as many gun related crimes.
gracehi 33
74, Canada is also much less densely populated than the US. If you compare US gun crime to South American nations where guns are banned, you'll see that gun crime is ridiculously prevalent in those places. Also, the murder rate in countries where guns are hard to get is comparable to the US. What difference does it make if someone is murdered with a baseball bat or a gun? Such places also have a much higher rate of bombings. Someone bent on murdering will always find a way to do it. Defending oneself is a much more difficult task without a gun or some other weapon immediately handy.
gracehi 33
Also, 74, such statistics are often drawn up in a biased way. Usually they compare every incident involving a gun where an owner or bystander got hurt only to justified homicide. If you have an accident, and graze someone's arm, that's counted, but if you brandish your gun at an intruder and he runs away without you having to fire a shot, it's not counted, even though simply having the gun protected you.
beaner16 9
God bless America
davidpropert 32
Lol they deleted all the comments on this thread due to a raging gun debate
gracehi 33
They tend to do that. I was actually surprised it was allowed to go on as long as it did.
mattyiscool123 26
As in with you at all times?
Dreamsorrow93 24
Wow shocking. They were pretty nice people who posted.
micassures_fml 19
A ... gun? I feel sorry for OP but would not take the risk to kill someone for a car. Not worth a life. So glad I live far, far away from the United states
LiBurtY1791 9
Are you ******* kidding me? You don't care about personal protection? If my life is in danger, imma kill that bitch. Good luck never getting mugged or raped.
LiBurtY1791 9
Wish I could like your comment more than once.
dreadbeat69 12
#97 A gun? A *gulp* g-g-gun?? Yeah, a gun. Everyone deserves the right to protect themselves and their property from criminals. Get over it.
Shakazulu1216 13
When I pictured this in my head, I died laughing.
delude 26
How is this funny?
ninjahesten 18
the only fun part i can think of would be the frustrating face of the carjacker, when he couldn't work the gears, until he turned towards op with a mean face
Desi_D123 27
Simple solution OP: find him and run him over with the car he tried to steal. Get well soon!
im_a_black_guy 10
Sounds like something that would happen in grand theft auto
shotgun_girl 17
Haha I love it. "I'm sorry officer. I was blinded by his immense stupidity and did not see him."
_Peppermint_ 34
I hope he gets run over by a car
BamBAmGG 14
This made me LOL. That Chris Brown reference though haha
A_Little_Girl77 12
sounds like he wasn't the brightest... at least you have your car and your life.