Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML
Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my mum and dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML
Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML
Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML
Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, I found out that the man I called grandpa for 40 years is really my dad. My drunk aunt spilled the beans. Her exact words were, "My dad is a better dad to you than he EVER was to me! You never wondered why he treated you better than his other grandchildren? You're his son!" FML
Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said, "Never take a shit in this place. Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
onealmxwilson 18
Hey be thankful it's clean. He could have just left the stains on there
TyT63 12
I thought this was going in a different direction
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (53)
pandabrr 12
The more you know.
October3461 12
at least now you know how it got like that but my only question is why do they still have it?
lsg3000 6
It's a wonder there was actually any specimen left for fertilization if he made that much of a mess on the sofa!
chronickX 11
That couch must have some history... Kinda like The Simpsons' couch
worldclassrager 41
I would have bleached the entire thing...have it the same color...well are you going to sit somewhere else for now on?
Muttley9 13
Proof, yet again they don't make furniture to last anymore... how old is your Dad anyway? :)
SixthSinEnvy 39
Why would you keep a couch that long?
HostEXE 8
GranLAD
protected_by_9mm 4
well i would not be too worried assuming that they were your dads parents
Xotoolyxo 16
What you don't know can't hurt you...but now you know):