Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, my brother tried to sit on my head and fart, except he followed through. It didn’t make it past his trousers but for a few brief seconds before he ran to the bathroom I could smell it and feel how warm it was. FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my new girlfriend about her terrible hygiene. In the two weeks we’ve been dating, she admitted to only having showered "once or twice." She doesn’t see a problem with this, even though the first (and last) time she came to my place, she smelled like death. FML
Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp came up from my throat, and not only that. A small chunk of mucus flew out and landed on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML
Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML
Today, I'd taken this girl I'd recently met through Facebook dating to my family cabin. Apparently, her hygiene wasn't that great, because she didn't shower all weekend. The entire 4-hour ride back to her house was miserable, as every time she opened up her legs it smelled like a dead rat. I'm still mortified. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said, "Never take a shit in this place. Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
RichardPencil 32
At least you don’t need to worry about him stealing her from you... ...unless she’s a certain kind of freak!
BurnInDemonFire 39
At least he was honest, which is an admirable trait. Shame he was also gross.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (11)
BurnInDemonFire 39
At least he was honest, which is an admirable trait. Shame he was also gross.
acmariner99 25
What’s with all the crappy FMLs lately?
Cali 57
If you want a say in what gets published you can moderate the FMLs!
RichardPencil 32
At least you don’t need to worry about him stealing her from you... ...unless she’s a certain kind of freak!
NostalgiaFreak9 43
What the hell is wrong with your brother?
silentbabydeer 10
I really hope he didn’t put his hands out right in front of her nose for her to smell how bad he stinks. Yuck!
TumblrweedPasses 11
Maybe he was just trying to embarrass you by making it look like your family's loopy?? If he ever brings someone home you know what to do
Paul B. Gyurcsanszky 14
Your brother must hate you.
Starstone Silvermoon 3
nasty
Slim87R 7
Is your brother 7?