Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML
Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML
Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML
Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me. When I got off, he smiled and told me as the doors were closing, "The last twelve times was for fun." FML
Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML
Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML
Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML
Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML
Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML
Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
mastodonkcid 5
longest eh?
schhichick 14
What was the longest part?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (102)
mastodonkcid 5
longest eh?
Zero_TAlent_ 23
That was the comment everyone was waiting for. Good job sir! It seems you BEAT everyone to the punch. *buh dum tss*
johnnyiskeenan 13
What. ^
Zero_TAlent_ 23
Penis joke.
tournamentdecide 33
Confusing penis joke. Do you mean masturbation joke?
davincidasecond 24
Pretty sure that was a masturbation joke, but you tried WAY too hard.
allie2590 31
^ That's how you make a penis joke.
incoherentrmblr 22
Talk about a dick on your shoulder instead of a chip...
coklara 15
^ uninstall FML
incoherentrmblr 22
^ Good comeback...
hystericsky 11
I see you almost everywhere on FML comments #87 and 97% of the time your comments are down voted.
schhichick 14
What was the longest part?
Smeelover27 15
What was the hardest part of that experience?
baseballbv 17
At least you have two bus buddies to hang with in case one of them gets testy.
tournamentdecide 33
What if the man enjoyed it?.
OhWhoCares 42
An elbow to the testicles should have done the trick, not to mention most men wouldn't enjoy that, OP. Make sure you elbow him hard enough that said testicles actually retreat up into his body. Keep it in mind if you ever take the bus and see this man or run into copycats again. :)
buckstop1 37
#44 No, many girls say this but that should NEVER be an option unless your life is in danger. There are no words to describe this pain.
shudson186 17
#19 why would you touch another mans penis? Just don't do that. Isn't there a code about that shit?
lishabear 21
#49, no words to describe the pain, huh? Perhaps something along the lines of child birth?
baseballbv 17
Do you ever hear of guys saying "Go for her ******"? No, no you do not. Yet people will rally to "Go for the nuts".
OhWhoCares 42
#49 who the hell are you to say that OP wasn't in danger? A stranger invading my personal space bubble with their penis sounds like a dangerous situation waiting to happen. I recommend keeping your dick where it belongs - in your pants, and definitely not rubbing it against various strangers on public transportation and that will greatly lessen the chances that your nuts come in contact with my elbow :-)
DropTheDaggerxx 31
Agreed, 78. That's a dangerous situation waiting to happen. If the person OP is referring to knew that he was pressed up against them (which I'll bet he did), a hit/kick in the balls is definitely called for. Situations can be dangerous without being truly life-threatening. That's not to say OP should've gone right for a swift kick, but if the man was asked to move and didn't comply, then it's fair game.
myFAILEDLIFE990 6
Thank u we must find their weak spot
ChevyRedneck85 13
Definitely one of those move it or lose it moments.
cj89898 24
If this is what was described, then yes. As I am male I would agree with #49 about pain though. (Not saying child birth isn't)
ckerane 16
hahah funniest thing ive read all day.
maximus_prime 24
He probably thought OP would make a good pirate, he just put a cocky on their shoulder.
Kyle1dc 17
Arrrrr, shiver me timbers.
xSavaqee 12
Are you sure it wasn't a sausage he had in his pocket and not his penis?
sirliam99 12
Dammit mike
tournamentdecide 33
Squeezing would work better.
_FML_Austin_ 12
Maybe even a taste? I'll let my self out...
TomPusslicker 21
i feel like this is a fat joke, but i need clarification on 'big guy' before i jump to any conclusions. Perhaps OP saw it coming and took no preventative measures...
kangx1 28
Yes.. Longest..
johnnyiskeenan 13
He wanted you to board his bus too
sayyestothedress 24
All aboard! Lol! He wanted you to ride with him
Marie54321 19
You should have poked it like the other guy on FML did!
darwinism 30
Pretend to sneeze violently and head butt him in the crotch. That should make future bus rides shorter for you.
Enslaved 38
Probably not the type of head he had hoped for.
kingdomgirl94 29
Elbows work too if you don't want your head in his crotch.
Girlie7 11
What a dick!