Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying, "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML
Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML
Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML
Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML
Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML
Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML
Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML
Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML
Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say, "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML
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Top comments
loko0909 13
That's a lovely mental picture to have there.
djdeadly 14
Punch him. Then say he didn't see that coming
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Comments (77)
bronxiecat777 14
Your dad has masterfully combined the two greatest insults of the decade in to one. Your mom and your face.
scoobysnarks 15
I can't imagine what kind of cad would say that to anyone - much less a relation of any kind. I'd be ashamed to say that to my friends at a social get-together - imagine a bunch of guys at a bar or something (although I don't drink) -- and I think I'd rather die than say that to my kids.
interesting33 37
I kind of feel like this is even worse because he is the step dad so has even less right to rub this in. :/
princeewan 4
yeah
katluvr 22
Sorry OP. Sounds like your mother married a jerk who doesn't respect her or you.
shutupally 6
YIKES...how gross can a step dad be... I would return the favor and tell your mom he said that to you, I'm sure she wouldn't like being talked about that way, especially to her own son. Bring it up at the dinner table even!
daniel_sherf 6
sounds like something I'd say....blahahaha me and your dad would get along just fine hahaha
MarkGaus 12
Ask mommy what was all the noise for last night
cats54321 19
Ewww what the ****
Miranda04 14
That would be so terrible to hear my step-dad say >.<