Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML
Yummy
Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML
Spice
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML
Right place, wrong time
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Bon appétit, I guess
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML
The medium is the message
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Bad boy
Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML
No good deed…
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
Top comments
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
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Comments (185)
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
saIty 17
69
crimsonlover4 31
A load full
siickman 7
Well assuming they arent full size penis and are flat it shouldnt be that hard to fit more than two ;x
themarshal_fml 6
Wow, you're a buzzkill...
themarshal_fml 6
I'm refering to good old #51 over here ^
siickman 7
Yay being thumbed down for not being funny or going with the flow of immaturity. Here they come again :)
syki 22
You're so right. In light of your wisdom, brilliance, and maturity, I suppose I'll have to "get on my knees and suck yo dick," as you so request in your profile, my good sixteen-year-old man.
SonOfAMitch 14
What a coincidence that he is #69 :)
GypsyRover 0
Lol. Look at the irony. Usually you try to put a dick in a cookie. Oh well,eat a dick. Lol. If op was low on cash flow they could say that they are broke dick.
ALlamaOnFire 20
Am I the only one that has no ******* idea what #101 is saying?
M3LAKNEE 3
Well now when a girl says "suck my dick" ot can litteraly be done. Just take her cookie and suck. The only thing is that it will probably dissolve in your mouth. Swallow bitches.
sens3sfailing 25
No, no you are not. But it's better than the one guy a few days ago talking on the FML about having a flat chest and said he didn't care and there fore thought he was "a real Romeo" and then proceeded to tall every to face plant the cement and had a bunch of random sentences thrown in...god people piss me off sometimes...
wolfhausen 7
Ow.
GypsyRover 0
Sayings kids don't get anymore. :-( my bad,I guess I need to keep in mind that young teens also look at Fml.
just_anonymous 8
20- I really wanna thumb up your comment but the fact that your "69" comment has 69 thumbs up is just absolutely perfect and I don't wanna ruin it. Lol
mowmowlife 21
I think you guys are being a bit harsh. Sure it isn't delightfully immature, but he's not being obscene in any way. Thinking the thumbs down system is being abused
simonsaysYDI 8
171, if you're referring to 51 he's getting thumbed down because he took what was a semi-funny joke and completely ruined it by being "technical". The thumbs aren't not being abused, and the negativity has nothing to do with maturity or obscenity.. it was just a sucky comment.
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
Drigr 9
I, too, wish to know why they were making penis shaped cookies.
MrsAlexander83 10
Yeah I was wondering the same thing! Seems quite random to even have a cookie cutter in the shape of a penis if you ask me. It could be for an upcoming bachelorette party, or a new messy alternative to the old fad of ****** and cucumbers! ;)
crimsonlover4 31
Why wouldn't OP want to make/eat penis-shaped cookies if given the chance? Would make for a very interesting treat ;)
MetalxSoldier 26
I would think that eating dirty cookies off the floor would be hard to swallow. If you know what I mean!
Enslaved 38
Perhaps they were baked to be a gag gift? Lol
perdix 31
Because she can't get any real penis to put in her mouth, she baked a substitute. She should just go to a bar around closing time and get the real deal. It's not that hard.
crimsonlover4 31
Perhaps OP dropped the delicious penis-shaped cookies as she was reaching for a teabag for the tea that was to go along with the penis cookies
Inheritance 10
Did you have 'white' frosting on them at the time? Cause that would be ironic..
ManInTheMachine 20
Actually perdix, depending on her decision, it might very well be 'that hard'.
mars13_fml 8
That is exactly what I was thinking! Maybe she was bored and made them like that as a joke. My friends and I did that once at like 2 in the morning during a sleepover.
perdix 31
#64, considering that the OP is not very attractive, and her victim will be quite inebriated, "it" most certainly would not be "very hard" -- it could remain flaccid and floppy.
agonydrum 7
64 what are you talking about, if op goes to a bar or club at closing and wears something slutty it doesn't matter how ugly she is, probably going to succeed
d3sigN8t3dDruNk 1
Or maybe it is????? Wink wink
kimg0885 23
^ might i ask, what parents are ok with teenagers stuffing their mouths with penis?
M3LAKNEE 3
How do you know what the OP looks like?
ebonyirony 29
I live in philadelhpia, and there's a store called Condom Kingdom that sells penis shaped cookie cutters. They also sell penis candy yum.
pastnastificatio 4
It was the only cookie cutter they had at the dollar store
perdix 31
#107. Deductive reasoning. If the OP is so desperate to get a penis in her mouth that she has to resort to buying or making penis-shaped cookies, she must be rather unattractive. Any ordinary-looking girl should be able to get a dick in her mouth if she wants it *lowers sunglasses* hard enough.
Iknowsomestuff 9
All this debate about why she was making dick shaped cookies. If I was bored enough to bake cookies and had a breast shaped option, why not?
jroxursox1 10
Maybe she just doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't just go suck random guys' dicks. She might have made the cookies to be funny for a gift or something. And from how big of an ass you're being I would think that you're either really ugly with no life or just a big time douche bag.
aksweetheart 7
Aw come on, he's just trying to be funny- no need to start a comment war. Although I don't agree with the assumption that she is ugly, it was a good attempt.
Prolux_fml 23
I'm more curious how the hell this made it past moderation!
LolPieRofl 11
Is what she said
loloalltheway 23
Sad life
crimsonlover4 31
Well there are worse things that could've happened like say, finding your roommate's dirty, smelly ***** under the bed...
gc327072 31
Or taking your child to the ER, only to find that they were just toying with you.
Pretty_Pink_Lady 10
Or dying.
Dargoria 1
Why would you bake penis shaped cookies?
crimsonlover4 31
Perhaps OP liked the challenge since the cookies were probably very hard to make.
Jeffo193 13
Heh, "hard" to make :') *prepares to get voted down due to childish sense of humour*
griffy14 9
Yea. I had Peter Griffin laugh moment on that one.
starburst7596 14
Bachelorette party.
thrAsHeRr9081 16
My bachelorette party is this weekend :-)
Jeffo193 13
113 congratulations! Have a penis cookie to celebrate.
thrAsHeRr9081 16
Thanks! I'm getting married next week! I'm sure somebody will bring something penis-shaped. Haha
Jeffo193 13
I can only say i hope we don't see an FML from you in the next week :')
Jeffo193 13
Why the penis cookies?
tifani322 13
Why not penis cookies?
cheshireau 26
This is the best FML ever.
deedeee 9
8======3 nom nom
LMFAOwned 9
Personally, I use 8==========D
EMTchic 14
7) (in my personal opinion) yours looks like it has balls on both ends . . . What kind of guys do YOU go for ???!
Inheritance 10
53 or in your case an odd arrangement of vegetables in the shape of a penis.
doctorhook86 25
56: It's a literal boner.
alexhaz64 4
Well on the bright side, now there won't be any evidence that you baked yourself a batch of penis cookies.
Shadow_Phantom 26
Kinda speechless on this one... *Clicks the YDI option*
cosmosis 12
Cheers for the commentary... Now get off the internet.
crimsonlover4 31
Darn OP, I know the situation blows but don't get too cocky, or else you won't be able to swallow the load of...cookies
Fisheyedfool7 2
I normally can't stand all the puns people try to pass off on this site, but that was damn funny!
beefstew_54 3
and the thumbs up are at 69. how...perfect :)
PrimeRibYum 10
You tried too hard making that comment.
IW_RIOT 7
This gave me a chuckle to wake up to