Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML
Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML
Today, as I watched my boyfriend bake cookies, I said he was "domesticated." He looked at me like I'd just pissed on his mother's grave and has been cold and distant all evening. What the fuck? It's a compliment, you dick. FML
Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML
Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by baking him some cookies for the first time. He took a bite and said, "Wow, these taste exactly like the ones my mom used to make!" I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd used a store-bought mix, because I can’t bake to save my life. FML
Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Today, I baked my boyfriend his favorite cookies for his birthday. Well, I tried. I followed the recipe, but they somehow turned out diamond hard. When he tried to bite into one, he chipped a tooth. Instead of being mad, he laughed and said, “At least you tried.” Now I’m stuck with inedible cookies and a dentist's bill. FML
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Top comments
Laurendorcus 0
Okay, so you are not a professional cookie shaper, but its the thought that counts and thats really sweet of you. maybe it'll help remind your gf that although hearts are great, you're hoping she'll concentrate on your d*ck tonight. :-)
null_fml 11
Tell your girlfriend "I made them shaped like something you'd recognize," with a noticeable wink, and see which shape she thinks it is!
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Comments (149)
Rick_S 3
You're mom sounds pretty cool!
veliki 0
how the hell do you make dick shaped hearts?!
SenGaeriel 3
You need some chocolate salty balls with the cookies.
Sansational_ 18
"suck on my chocolate salty balls"
perdix 31
Y'all have dirty minds! Obviously, Mom is a cardiac surgeon and Dick is a patient whose heart is misshapen by scar tissue, and looks like the baked mess the OP made.
purplemnm 9
weirdo...still funny though
perdix 31
It's ironic that the first time I take an FML story AWAY from the sexual is when I get called a "weirdo." Hey, Alanis, if you ever want to add a verse to your song, consider this.
perdix 31
It's ironic that the first time I take an FML story AWAY from the sexual is when I get called a "weirdo." Hey, Alanis, if you ever want to add a verse to your song, consider this.
mooshibear140 4
LMFAO...your mom reminds me of myself. [x
CupCakeGirl101 0
i think that cute and no matter what they look like your girlfriend will think its sweet you took the time to make her cookies cuz that isnt something most guys would do they just think its gay but dont listen to those crack heads cuz ur girlfriend is gonna be laid and those guys can suck it cuz they dont get shit for valentines day
CallMeHush 1
One way or another you are going to get her to eat a dick then.
olw25 0
hmmm heart shaped cookies. when u guys have sex do u bend her over or does she bend u over?
ccc01 1
Give it to your GF! Now!
seeimdee 0
you could tell her that the cookies aren't the only dick shaped thing she could eat. porno moment(;