Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking about?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML
Today, my wife and I were having amazing make up sex after several months of painful separation. Halfway through, she screamed for me to stop, climbed off the bed, and ran into the bathroom. She spent an hour screaming and crying, then came out and emotionlessly told me to leave. FML
Today, my fiancee told me she felt horny and was excited for bed, then got mad when I seemed indifferent. I'd be more interested if she didn't constantly wind me up by talking about sex, then get cold feet the second we're alone. FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
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Top comments
lizliz07 0
dead puppies? really? why would you answer like that!!!
schwinn11 0
hahahaha, i cant believe that turned her off, i,ve tried flowers, chocalates, and even jewelry, but in my experience, dead puppies has always gotten women in the mood. maybe next time, to really get her in the mood start whispering "old man ball sack" in her ear over and over.
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Comments (66)
kims0706 10
Yea cuz dead puppies make everyone horny... Geez dude
BeefyMeaty 8
Funniest thing I've heard all day : D
fmldenmark 9
FYL. I can relate. Been there, done that.
sc3ptical 30
Sure, you can think of that all you want. But if you want to keep having sex don't tell her -.- YDI
Onyx3288 22
Yes, men think of random stuff to last longer. But next time tell her ahead of time that you do this, so if it's been a certain amount of time she knows not to ask. Or to tell you stop thinking it because it would turn her on more that you think of her, than you lasting more. Lets just say it was one if those things I was glad my husband told me ahead of time.
solazylaa 2
this is killing me... lololol
Thundernutz 15
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AND HOW THE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
404wan 19
dont think of something horrible to last longer, you'll slowly condition yourself to get unwanted arousal when you encounter those things in real life.... or, even worse, eventually you wont be able to get it up without thinking about ****** up shit.... dont do this to yourself, just get her off orally beforehand!