Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking about?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML
Today, my wife and I were having amazing make up sex after several months of painful separation. Halfway through, she screamed for me to stop, climbed off the bed, and ran into the bathroom. She spent an hour screaming and crying, then came out and emotionlessly told me to leave. FML
Today, my fiancee told me she felt horny and was excited for bed, then got mad when I seemed indifferent. I'd be more interested if she didn't constantly wind me up by talking about sex, then get cold feet the second we're alone. FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
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Top comments
lizliz07 0
dead puppies? really? why would you answer like that!!!
schwinn11 0
hahahaha, i cant believe that turned her off, i,ve tried flowers, chocalates, and even jewelry, but in my experience, dead puppies has always gotten women in the mood. maybe next time, to really get her in the mood start whispering "old man ball sack" in her ear over and over.
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Comments (66)
lizliz07 0
dead puppies? really? why would you answer like that!!!
AngelaSialaris 0
he wanted to last longer duh!! ha that's pretty sick tho!
icall_BS 0
In Soviet Russia, puppies make YOU last longer. ...
McCamryn123 0
really? fyl for not saying somethiglike you- but doing this and that! duhh!
xlossofmex 0
Omg this made me laugh pretty hard. That sex can't be too enjoyable for you with dead puppies on your mind.
dudeitsdanny 10
The point was for him to not enjoy it that much so he could last longer.
Lukas1051 0
What! Why?!?!?
blland 0
anything could turn a woman off. learn from older men. remain silent!
akiranozaki 0
Your wife needs to invest in a ball gag.
ClearD 0
priceless. ;)
schwinn11 0
hahahaha, i cant believe that turned her off, i,ve tried flowers, chocalates, and even jewelry, but in my experience, dead puppies has always gotten women in the mood. maybe next time, to really get her in the mood start whispering "old man ball sack" in her ear over and over.
omghehehe 0
LOL :D I'm trying to imagine it. Would I laugh uncontrollably at that or be appalled? I just don't know. Either way I know laughing would be involved :D It sure beats "dead puppies." :/ Strange mind to think of something like that (shuddering).
untoldfame 3
this whole FML is Win. I love it.
clcagwin 0
yea #8
perdix 31
You should have said, "You," and not given the complete answer. The complete answer, of course, is: When I want it to last longer, I think of you, but when I want to finish, I think about **** stars, ex-girlfriends, a woman I work with, my girlfriend or a sexy woman I met on FML. Keep that answer and the dead puppies one to yourself -- unless you really are into masturbation as your only defense against celibacy.
Lonely_Lez 0
Win.
redbluegreen 41
Glad to know I could help.
omghehehe 0
(shaking my head) hehehe .... :) That works too. Clever you ;) One of my BFs was saying he was thinking of baseball. I giggled and thought to myself, good going honey! :D