Such a weird move either way

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

Poop chute

Today, after her shower, my wife bent over naked in front of me so I went to dive in face-first, and she farted in my face for laughs. The thing is I physically saw some pieces of shit fly out and land on my shoe, and this was after her shower when she should have been clean as a whistle. FML

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

It's getting hot in here…

Today, my wife surprised me with a blow job. Turns out it was a punishment for not doing the washing, as she did it with Chilli powder in her mouth. FML

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

Triggered

Today, after a long dry spell, I spent a day treating my wife, ending with a full body massage. She was wearing only panties, breathing heavily, and spread her legs, so I reached for her crotch to finger her… and she kicked me in the head so hard I fell off the bed and split my head open. FML

Goofball

Today, as I was folding laundry, I found some of my wife’s sexy panties. I’m kind of a hairy guy so I thought it would be hilarious to put them on and send her some goofy pics. She thought it was hilarious alright, mostly because they were our daughter’s not hers. FML

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

Today, I was walking out of my girlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I picked it up, sniffed it and put it on my face as a joke. She replied with, "Those are my mother's." FML