Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating, so she smashed me in the head with her handbag so hard my eyeball is red from a burst blood vessel. I followed her home, where she tried to pretend she knew nothing, it wasn’t her I'd seen, she’d been home all day. I had to get the cops to drag her out my house. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML
Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML
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Top comments
honda1 0
That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL
Audio828 2
Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.
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Comments (244)
FoundManyLemons 0
Had this been an actual robbery, you could have gotten shot, stabbed, or had your skull cracked. Try calling the cops next time.
razzumfrazzum 0
Coulda woulda shoulda.......or he could've ownd some punk ass thief. The common house thief is often a weak minded individual that would be too scared to confront another hostile individual let alone pull a trigger. Especially since he had the element of surprise on his side.
ermie 0
Why the hell would you look to see who it was? You did the right thing. Sucks for ur gf
machoflaco 0
That's freaking hilarious! And **** those comments about this being your fault. The apartment is suppose to be empty I wouldve done the same thing.
flyordien3rd 0
Whoa dude that's messed up
Rellakan 0
agreed 221. His girlfriend shouldn't break up with him, and anyone that says they hope she does is just ****** up; you should never hope for another human being's important relationships to end. they fail at the element of surprise, you win at apocalypse preparedness.
ga_fml 0
What a ******* dipshit you punch people In the face at ramdom
bambition7 0
lmfao omgsh that sucks next time turn the lights on first u wouldnt have been able to see them if they attacked u anyway
nick333 0
If I were her you would be dead right now
xCONTIx 0
i wouldve done the same thing buddy im not gonna let people steal shit from my apartment... how were u supposed to know they were throwing a surprise party and there wasnt thieves in ur apartment? u did the right thing