Self-service

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

Classic Dave

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

Surprised indeed

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

Can't win

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML