Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML
Today, my local pub has now closed so now the only bar within staggering distance of my house is an entertainment centre. So now, if I want to drink myself blotto, I can no longer do it in peace and quiet, I have to do it to the background noise of some cartoon monkey and 100 rotten kids screaming. FML
Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML
Today, I met a guy at a bar. Went home, got condoms, had sex. Also got Covid. First one night stand in four years. FML
Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML
Today, I went to the movies with some friends. During the movie, I really needed to pee but didn’t want to disturb anyone. So, I waited and waited. Finally, I couldn’t hold it anymore and bolted to the bathroom… only to get locked out of the theater in the process. The staff had to escort me back in during the end credits. FML
Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML
Today, I learned I have to kiss my career goodbye, all because I decided to give a colleague road head while he was driving to a company function. I was fired and arrested for indecent exposure. Now it’s all on my record and my Master’s in Early Childhood Education can basically be used for toilet paper. FML
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Top comments
bloopaloop 27
I think you can go there as much as you want!
RichardPencil 32
If you gave him a good handjob, free movies for life!
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Comments (12)
WistayShlaio82 13
Maybe ease up on the drinking from now on since you’re giving favors to guys that can only get a job at a theatre.
Marcella1016 32
Yep favors like that only go to those worthy white-collar guys! ...
RichardPencil 32
If you gave him a good handjob, free movies for life!
rhett 5
Probably true even it it was a bad one
RichardPencil 32
Nah, a bad handjob is so shameful, you hope the giver just vanishes from the earth in an anticlimactic puff of smoke. They can't even pull off the simplest sexual favor. To hell with them!
2deployments1divorce 11
He works at every cinema?
bloopaloop 27
I think you can go there as much as you want!
juggalo2 22
Why was it embarrassing? Do you need to improve your technique?
AmbrosiaFan 19
Yes you actually can. he was probably drunk too and probably barely remembers you.