Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML
Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML
Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML
Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML
Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML
Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
YdoIhaveAchode 4
You're stupid.
EricWill 1
Are you retarded?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (132)
greatfirstdate 18
**** you, OP. People like you are the reason my mom tells me that if I hit someone's parked car, to just drive away without leaving a note. Of course, I wouldn't do that, but you guys take away her trust in people that she can't even leave a note for fear that she would be cheated. Some advice: be ******* honest. Then shit like this wouldn't happen to you. Or if it did, you knew that you couldn't do anything to prevent it.
Sniper3000 0
You are so smart....
watsonpsykosis 10
Gawd, you're dumb...don't ever leave the house alone.
mrboomstik 3
Were you high? How stupid are you? YDI
derangedtirefire 2
I work at a small mom-and-pop furniture store, and people like you are the worst. NEWSFLASH: Even if the sofa had left the store from which you had purchased it with those puncture marks, you STILL wouldn't have gotten a new sofa. You know why? If companies replaced a whole sofa, loveseat, or chair for every idiot like you in the world, we would all be paying exponentially more. What most stores do is request a "cut-and-sewn" piece from the manufacturer and have a repair tech install it on-site. Frames break all the time due to knots, natural weaknesses in the wood, and abuse (which seems more than probable here). If I was the repairman, I would have busted your ass down for fraud.
PoppaSoda 5
Way to smart think that unhonest deal.
sellout39 0
way to use your reasoning skills.
xgetxbentx 13
Probably should have read over the warranty policy dumb shit.
DanielleinDC 34
How stupid and greedy are you to think that you'll get a new couch out of the deal if you stab the cushions? You wouldn't have been happy having the repairman fix the frame? You so deserve this. Enjoy your stabbed sofa.
CanadianCutie22 16
lol karma!