Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages, she said, "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said, "But it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened, I slipped and fell in the shower, and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered, "Well, she's masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!" FML
Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML
Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML
Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML
Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML
Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML
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Top comments
koda_fml 0
Why would anyone open up to their mom about masturbation.
breakthesky 0
Nice. Maybe she thinks you meant texting feels good and every guy does it too? Right? Right? :/
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Comments (187)
unistudentb 0
lol I like this one it's hilarious...don't worry 'bout it if she's got any sense at all she'll know you've been doing it for years anyway
alchemist08 0
Created an account just to Favorite this. Everyone does it, but YDI... I'm also in agreement with #'s 6, 28, 42, 49, and 125.
IllegalLight 0
Brilliant. Can't even get it off your mind for a second.
vipera_23 0
Haha, why would you even think to say that in response? Nice going...
Chfanfiction 0
What #141 said. That exactly. By the way, my doctor has never said anything about it. so I'm going to go ahead and ignore "medically recommended" until I hear it from some place besides the interblag. By the way, stop making the percentage joke. It has been made- what- four times now? and it is most certainly not true.
Tori_xoxo 0
Ell ohh ell. :x
MechEngineer 0
Those of who don't have girlfriends....
melishusss 0
i do it.
gclunax 0
I second #16
TriNiBaByDoLL 0
LMAO that's wat u get for not asking her wat she was talking about lol