Today, I got a secondhand message from my mother to not jerk off so much. I know it’s secondhand because my wife says the same thing. They’re in cahoots and lie to one another: mom just wants grandkids, and my wife doesn’t want a smile on my face she didn’t put there. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML
Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML
Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML
Today, the older I get, the more I realise my mom has screwed up my ability to have sex. She used to beat me if she thought I was having impure thoughts, and though she died years ago, when I try to have sex with my girlfriend I hear mom's voice in my head and I go limp. I can’t even masturbate. FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML
Today, my wife and I are having marital/intimacy issues. My 72 year-old mom basically told me to touch my wife, to hug her more, caress her lovingly, and pat her bottom, etc. Thanks mom, I'll grab her ass, that'll make it all better. FML
Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML
Today, I found out my parents still enjoy sex in their 60s, whereas my wife put an end to our sex life because she was tired of faking her orgasms. I had no idea she was faking, I thought our sex life was good, if she’d have told me I’d have done something about it. FML
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Top comments
Anderling 33
If you’re miserable with your wife, just leave, honestly. Then you can block your mother everywhere and live in peace. It’s better to be happy alone than miserable together
RichardPencil 32
Of course the message is secondhand. We all know what you're doing with your firsthand.
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Comments (8)
Anderling 33
If you’re miserable with your wife, just leave, honestly. Then you can block your mother everywhere and live in peace. It’s better to be happy alone than miserable together
Hangryko 32
Tell them both to stop the mind games. Also, tell them if you even want kids.
diraven 15
Make your wife jerk you off instead, problem solved.
Chazzster 32
In many cases, by being the one to dispense sexual pleasure, your partner or spouse feels in control. If you ********** she feels “cheated” of that advantage. Frankly I think it’s a sign of a sick relationship for wife to bring a detail like that up to your mom.
RichardPencil 32
Of course the message is secondhand. We all know what you're doing with your firsthand.
xxWTFxx1981 23
I am with you I went through a dry spell with the wife and took up some personal time to make up for lack of intimacy. My wife got mad too so tell your wife what I told mines put up or shut up.
Marcella1016 32
Jesus Christ I’ve read this FML twice in two days and both times I saw “secondhand massage” so you don’t jerk off too much. Fully expected it to go into “broken arms guy” Reddit story territory lol