Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for changing my phone's password, like I thought she would try to access my phone without telling me. When I pointed out she could only know I changed it by trying to unlock it behind my back, she took the sandwich I'd just made and fed it to the dog. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML
Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML
Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML
Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said, "Yeah yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and told me she "had a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So I hurried home, only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML
Today, my wife isn't speaking to me and is considering separation because I got rid of the puppy she surprised me with for my birthday. She knows I hate dogs and I'm severely allergic to them, but thought it would be a happy case of "Dad later falls in love." FML
Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
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Top comments
addisonrose12 16
What's the big deal?
Wolfparable 22
I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.
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Comments (73)
Stitcher 14
i dont understand
cathrope 10
Does she overreact all of the time?
mistress_paz 30
You didn't do anything wrong. She's just crazy.
riley2010 4
You know what though if your girl friend is so immature that that's the first thing her mind goes to she's probably not mature enough to have a boyfriend therefore you dodged a bullet
IWishIWasObama 12
I'm sure you know why it was the first thing that came to your mind...
crimsonprodigy 15
Instead of leaving, why didn't you ask why first? So beta, lol.
Wolfparable 22
Before I overreact to the wrong thing, What exactly do you mean "so beta"?
Wolfparable 22
Exactly what I thought he meant but I was attempting (for once) not to jump to the worst possible conclusion and give him a chance to explain that it just came out wrong. Alrighty so down to brass tacks There should never be an "alpha" or "beta" in a relationship. You are supposed to be equals and want to treat them and be treated as such. If you genuinely think you are supposed to rightfully be the "alpha" you are a disgusting little creature and I hope you end up in prison before you likely abuse any unfortunate soul that might accidentally care for you.
crimsonprodigy 15
Looks like the joke went over a couple of heads. Guess I should add a /s
crimsonprodigy 15
#67 I would like to add, there is nothing "equal" about one acting like a doormat and doing what the other person says. Hence the Beta part.
Wolfparable 22
To be honest that's not much better. 1. It was her house, so yeah he should leave if she says so 2. It's more that your mind connected him simply leaving because she said so to "what a beta"
crimsonprodigy 15
The OP made it look like he himself did something wrong by leaving the house because his GF made a wrong assumption about what he said. The FML is the OP's own fault for not communicating about what was wrong, something that equals in a relationship would do,
Nat52482 25
Some people put peanut butter on themselves and dogs will lick it off... Don't know how she immediately jumped to that though...
trulypar 34
I have to admit, until I read the comments I had NO idea what this was about...lol. That's just wrong!
hellphone_fml 37
I was really confused on why she wouldn't want a dog until i read the comments, i just thought she maybe really hated dogs or something.
Le_ponderer 14
Couldn't the dog mistakenly bite off a guy's piece; mistaking it for a sausage? Just wondering.