Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for changing my phone's password, like I thought she would try to access my phone without telling me. When I pointed out she could only know I changed it by trying to unlock it behind my back, she took the sandwich I'd just made and fed it to the dog. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML
Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML
Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML
Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said, "Yeah yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and told me she "had a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So I hurried home, only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML
Today, my wife isn't speaking to me and is considering separation because I got rid of the puppy she surprised me with for my birthday. She knows I hate dogs and I'm severely allergic to them, but thought it would be a happy case of "Dad later falls in love." FML
Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
addisonrose12 16
What's the big deal?
Wolfparable 22
I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (73)
TahoeFMler 22
I don't understand the correlation...
604 11
Owning and taking care of a pet as a couple is often the step prior to having a child together.
Mauskau 36
Some people use peanut butter as a way to get their dogs to lick them. And they will do it in places you shouldn't let a dog near.
Calingaladha 21
Are you the peanut butter guy from Wilfred?
el_angelroca 15
Love that show
wasliedtoasakid 22
Maybe she has had some kind of traumatizing past experience with dogs that gave her... dog-phobia...?
cadyshaw17 13
Cynophobia
missminijones 3
Just so everyone knows, this is an American Pie reference. Specifically American Pie Book of Love. The guy is masterbating with a peanut butter sandwich and the dog comes in and starts licking the peanut butter on his junk which it then makes him c*m.
RobinGoodfellow 47
....You do realize people do this in real life? Quite intentionally? It's not just a reference.
flamingarrow59 21
I actually know a sick person who has done this
ilovefall10 21
Your girlfriend must have a disturbed mind for her to instantly think about beastality.
catharsis5 9
I fail to see why she freaked out until I read the comments. Still, both of your minds went there really quick.
interesting33 37
Some people give peanut butter for treats so I really think she over-reacted.
thejonac 21
i don't know what's wrong with wanting a dog because that just means you have a sense of responsibility to take care of it and makes you look more attractive?
HeartYou101 31
Emm, that's not the issue. It's what the OP's girlfriend thought the OP and the dog are going to get up to with the peanut butter, lol.
newyearstandup 13
Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't get it
dragoongirl90 34
You're girlfriend has a sick mind.
Darkness_Hate 29
Maybe she thought it was an innuendo for Kid? I dont know ..