Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went with my wife to her work picnic. Some guy I don't know slapped her on the butt. I was ready to deck the creep, but my wife giggled and said, "Oh relax, it doesn't mean a thing. He does that all the time." FML
Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML
Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML
Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML
Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML
Today, while in line at the grocery store, I was going over the witty but caustic things I wish I'd said in an argument earlier. Turns out, I was saying them out loud. The cashier gave me a weird look and said, “Are you okay, ma'am?” FML
Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML
Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML
Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML
Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML
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Top comments
ThreeSheetsGone 12
Damn cops, always there when you don't need them, never there when you do.
ciarafox9 9
This is when you shout.. Wait honey, aren't you going to pay for those things in your purse???
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Comments (38)
Sukismama 2
Lol well I thought your comment was funny...
valleyshooter 8
it's funny cause statistically out of all the professions in Canada and states, cops are the people who individually physically abuse their spouses the most.
bookwormy 4
Two for flinching.
JonnyRingo 0
Equal rights? What a joke now i treat all women as equals. Lmao
rcloca 10
The OP is a guy, look.
Chelsea209 0
Wtf is everyone getting mad at HIM for? The wife is the one who played the joke.
Army_angel28 0
It's disturbing that your wife thinks joking about something like that is funny. She's very lucky you've never hit her, because if you ever had she'd realize it's not something to joke about!
musiclovr27 1
To everyone that is saying OP is a woman look at the gender sign at the top! It's a male!
ktizzley2k 8
I've never heard of anyone doing a "battered wife flinch" as a joke...Why would someone joke about that?
fucking_dev 2
cool husband wife relationship .. dick cop