Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went with my wife to her work picnic. Some guy I don't know slapped her on the butt. I was ready to deck the creep, but my wife giggled and said, "Oh relax, it doesn't mean a thing. He does that all the time." FML
Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML
Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML
Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML
Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML
Today, while in line at the grocery store, I was going over the witty but caustic things I wish I'd said in an argument earlier. Turns out, I was saying them out loud. The cashier gave me a weird look and said, “Are you okay, ma'am?” FML
Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML
Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML
Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML
Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML
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Top comments
ThreeSheetsGone 12
Damn cops, always there when you don't need them, never there when you do.
ciarafox9 9
This is when you shout.. Wait honey, aren't you going to pay for those things in your purse???
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Comments (38)
geeksaresexy 18
Anyone else notice OP is apparently also a woman? Not that it makes a difference..
Blueglasscup 18
What. No it says he's a guy .
KBurns207 17
Not sure how you get that the OP is a female when the Username is spaceMANspiff78
Malkria 1
POW right in the kisser
chelseaaababyyy 17
i think you need to reread the fml..
LadyLol_fml 15
Did you even get the gum in the end?? Priorities people!
KiddNYC1O 22
New 5-O gum.
herpitydurteedur 0
I used to do the flinch when I was first going out with my now-fiancé. I knew he wasn't going to hit me, it was just when he would suddenly move his arm or hand like to give me a hug or hifive a friend I would hella flinch like a reflex cause my mom would beat the crap outtae when I was younger and if I ran away she would chase after me. It took a while but after a few months i stopped flinching. *Cue "cool story bro" comments*
Bobissmall 13
Cool story bro. Needs more dragons and shit.
ThreeSheetsGone 12
And genetically mutated ninja frogs.
SuperKnuckels 6
you a lesbian?
woww2011 3
you should divorce her!
rainbowbigbird 7
No... This comment is referring to another FML...
jeffw1123 4
f**k the police they always ruin everyones fun