Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML
Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML
Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML
Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
He was pretending to be a cat burglar.
SashaTaras 26
What a catastrophe!
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Comments (37)
beeferjay 34
sounds like ptsd from the flasher at the mall
Rainyknights22 16
That's hilarious lol
lexiieeex3 32
Shouldn't you kinda be used to this, or behaviors similar to this, having a pet in the house?
vb68_fml 28
Obviously not...
orios105 18
lol
orios105 18
cats. gotta love them.
datkenna 20
That's what they want you to think
dutchy86 20
sorry... pushed the wrong thumb :(.... +1 for you're comment fml
False_Stupidity 42
The cat planned this all along. It now has the bed to itself and has successfully induced fear into it's human to show it's dominance.
samdel12 10
Pretty sure he was sucking out your soul but that's just me
madalyn316 14
my cat does that except she likes to lay on my face and suffocate me.
singlwforlife 22
Proof that cats are evil.