Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as, "Some weirdo had walked into her house." I'm that weirdo; she wasn't joking. FML
Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML
Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML
Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML
Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML
Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories' sake". FML
Today, my grandmother is upset I won't lie to the police for her and is now claiming that I'm involved in the Mafia. FML
Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Sady_Ct 38
Do you have an alibi?
ForSeriousReally 17
Not sure how long ago this was written, but just in case this is happening now: If you're a suspect in a crime, it's important that you don't talk to police. The police's job is to gather evidence against you. They will consider everything you say that might be incriminating and ignore everything you say that suggests you're innocent. THE ONLY safe thing to do is not answer questions. Identify yourself if requested, then POLITELY AND CALMLY say "I have nothing to say about this matter" for all other questions. DO NOT ANSWER even the most innocuous of questions, beyond identifying yourself. Follow these instructions, and you might save yourself a massive headache and a huge bill from your local criminal defense lawyer.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (9)
Sady_Ct 38
Do you have an alibi?
ForSeriousReally 17
Not sure how long ago this was written, but just in case this is happening now: If you're a suspect in a crime, it's important that you don't talk to police. The police's job is to gather evidence against you. They will consider everything you say that might be incriminating and ignore everything you say that suggests you're innocent. THE ONLY safe thing to do is not answer questions. Identify yourself if requested, then POLITELY AND CALMLY say "I have nothing to say about this matter" for all other questions. DO NOT ANSWER even the most innocuous of questions, beyond identifying yourself. Follow these instructions, and you might save yourself a massive headache and a huge bill from your local criminal defense lawyer.
DaBlacky 31
just for an information, as we don't know where OP is coming from, this is only true in country's who uses the Adversarial system (USA, UK). As with the Inquisitorial system (Western continental Europe), justice (including police) needs to investigate "à charge" and "à décharge", so they are obliged to take the answers that makes you innocent into account. Also, In continental Europe, it's forbidden for the police to lie during an interrogation, in contrast with the USA.
WeirdUS 30
Not answering any questions isn't going to make them seem less guilty. Those laws are meant to protect use from abuse of power from police but claiming not to answer anything from the beginning isn't going to clear his name.
1known 34
Even in Europe would I say that keeping your mouth shut is a good idea. At least in France.
DaBlacky 31
depends in which Salduz category you are being questioned. If it's in I, you'll be fine. If it's in II, III, IIIbis or IV, use your right to remain silence, as you've been told before the questioning. Unless you have something to bring up in your defence (like an alibi or an "anti-motive"). If it's not in Salduz at all, you'll be fine as well.
protoskore 27
thanksgiving is going to be mighty awkward this year
RichardPencil 32
And suddenly your great-aunt is living high off the hog? You distracted the girl with your dong while your great-aunt really ****** her over. And then she pins the rap on you. A perfect crime!
0neiros 14
I'd tell everybody especially the coppers and granny - "Yeah I ****** her, but I didn't **** her over."