Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML
Today, my husband started his midlife crisis with a bang, or rather several bangs, as he admitted that there are two women out there pregnant with his babies. Oh, and he quit his job to escape the daily grind. Oh, and he remortgaged the house to buy a truck so we could go cross country. FML
Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML
Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML
Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML
Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML
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Top comments
ohcoolstorybro 14
Miami zombie is real
PlaidPanda 9
Because the cops shot the guy FIVE times before he went down, I'm guessing one of them was in the head.. Have you heard about the mother eating her baby, the dude eating his roommate, and there have been a few other ones out there too. I don't believe this is a "zombie pandemic" but some freaky shit is going on.
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Comments (361)
nvidioso 0
looks like you have a nut job in your hands.good luck
rjp1811 0
Hey!!! things like that are really NOT a joke!! u shouldn't say "FML" until u first rule out a psychotic break or smthn. on a more serious note, has ur husband ever been in the service? Is he a combat veteran? I have seen LITERALLY atleast 6 guys in my old unit just about lose it over their PTSD and thinking a game like CoD4 is reality. or maybe HE KNWS SMTHN WE DONT!! Lol
PainIsAVirtue 4
You've got a keeper!
kemando 22
Smart man.
taylorbaby1992 5
not even lying i read all these comments and just laughed hysterically ya'll believe what u want but when theres more and more cases of this zombie shit im goin full on Will Smith on those *******. :)
Levvy 22
You're going to sing family-friendly, inoffensive hip-hop at them?
likeAwesome 3
Hell think Ur the crazy one when some guy on bath salt eats your face off...
TachiownsMangu 5
Grab your shot guns, hunting knifes, hand grenades and rally up! The apocalypse is on the rise!
munchy22 5
Some of the more bizarre stories I've read about lately have been out of Florida. But did anyone her about this chef in Asia? He is asexual so he cooked his own genitals and fed them to willing customers.
zakkcarter 7
There have been 900 cases of this since the early 2000's. This is nothing new. Its just now getting publicity
invisibleman8472 17
Is resident evil zombies not cannibles?
Levvy 22
And giant spiders, and killer plants, and a giant alligator, and basically just whatever the game developers felt like throwing in there. I think at this point zombies are the minority of its monster cast.