Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother having sex. With my boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML
Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML
Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML
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Top comments
s0m3guy2010 21
If it can fit in a lotion bottle, I'm assuming it was too small for you to see too much anyway.
cpucooler 4
Your skin has been really smooth and silky lately though, right?
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Comments (87)
olpally 33
What the ****??? Seriously?? Two lotions for the price of one... Nope... This calls for a shot of vodka or something op... Or a 6 hour stay at the local bar...
DjeePee 25
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
This site has shocked me so many times with the astonishing lack of respect that some people have.
LiveLoveBeatles 19
Are you my mummy?
DjeePee 25
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I think you didn't pay enough attention during your history lessons about Ancient Egypt, sweetheart. There's a slight, difficult to spot difference between bandages and a gasmask.
z563 8
50- I believe they were quoting Doctor Who.
FeroniaMoonscyth 2
How does this relate to the FML???
DjeePee 25
...Because someone who thinks it's ok to ********** and **** in someone else's stuff has little respect? And if you talk about the Doctor Who part (which I don't watch, so I didn't get the reference), that's how sites like FML works. Not all comments need to be ontopic - although I prefer them to be.
aerogxt 7
Nobody cares troll. This site isn't about respect. If you want respect, go to Facebook or MySpace.
aerogxt 7
Furthermore, we aren't here to discuss morals. We're here to laugh at other people's experiences and make jokes to lighten the mood. I think you take yourself a little too seriously. Kick back, laugh a little, and enjoy the front row seat to this comedy called life, starring: stupid people. :D Nice gas mask btw. You'll need it, I had Mexican for dinner last night.
ManInTheMachine 20
Must've been a wide-mouth, huh?
agonydrum 7
Even than...
ManInTheMachine 20
I guess nobody got the pun. Wide-mouth bottle? Wide mouth?? You people are pathetic. And I mean that in the most loving way possible.
LiterOfCola 16
25... Even then* come on...
agonydrum 7
I like the way I said it, that's a terrible pun, I'm not even sure it really qualifies as one, probably why nobody got it
ambear26 14
Oh dear. Tell him he can keep it. Only if he pays you back of course. Lotion can be fairly pricey these days.
ICastillo 25
Next time just put some icy hot in your lotion bottle and wait. I'll bet he'll stop after that.
gc327072 31
No... Habanero juice.
bReLiNg 18
Maybe he would be dumb enough to eat a taco on the toilet like in bob's burgers. Betcha habanero doesn't taste so good anymore!
nmlutgen 11
More like F his life if his penis fits in the bottle.
sharksfan48 13
I'm pretty sure he was just trying to Smooth the rough parts of his dick for future whacking.
darwinism 30
"Whacking off" with? I think the correct term here would be "fornicating with" if his whole penis was inside the bottle. Good luck to both of you....you for the lotion, your brother for his pencil dick.
8IamChris8 4
What a jerk off haha
8IamChris8 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
This old man (84) wakes up at 2am and finds he has a hard on for the first time in many years. He turns to his wife next to him and says "wanna get rough?" She turns her back and says, "now that you have em wrinkles open, go was your dick properly for a change!!"