Catchy turn of phrase

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

Today, while working in a kids shop, I absentmindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then heard a deep man's voice say, "I'm not a little man." FML

No

Today, I told a girl that I liked her. She replied, "Don't." FML

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "Sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a little person. FML

Honesty

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, "No way" or "It looks great on you", I accidentally said, "Yeah, I know." FML

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

She definitely heard

Today, I had to go to the mall for a quick errand. While there one of my friends who works at a phone booth was there and I stayed for a little bit chatting with him. While chatting, a girl passed by. She was so pretty that I blurted out, "What a woman!" out loud. Turns out it was my ex. FML

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

Today, my boyfriend told my four-year-old sister that "fatass" means "beautiful lady." I didn't know about this until I took my sister shopping with me. The woman at the till said she was adorable; my sister replied, "Thanks, fatass." FML