Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML
Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML
Today, my husband came home, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me to the bedroom. Furious, I shrieked to be put down and demanded an explanation. He said, "I thought you wanted us to be more spontaneous…" Apparently, that means he should treat me like a sex toy. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML
Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
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Top comments
alstbv12 13
I guess he wanted to try the one-eyed pirate with you.
alissa222 15
At least he tried?
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Comments (185)
wubbazugg 5
Just watch out where he sets his peg leg.
Steve95401 49
Be careful what you ask for as you may get it.
Feared 9
Or you could turn him off, and say that your poop deck needs a good scrubbing first.
TheVoicesTalk 3
OP, laugh. Point at him and laugh
crazyjemjem 6
He didn't point and laugh when she asked him to try to spice it up. Most people are so scared to ask for things like that and the other half is scared to make that kind of request come true. I give them both points for trying.
john443 5
"why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie? It was rated R" - Squidward
gracehi 33
I think you mean, "It was rated AAAAAAAAAAR!!"
swedeNix 13
Be carefull what u wish for, u just might get it:)
reject214 10
What are you complaining about? He did what you asked. Freakin women are never satisfied.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Maybe OP should dress as a ninja?
br0ccoli 15
I love how guys just play coy like they don't understand. OP, your husband is a character. I bet you get lots of laughs out of his antics. You should say, "Aye captain! I'm going to polish that wooden leg!"
skullofdarkness 18
I don't think he was playing coy, generally it's not that we're playing coy, it's that women are so ******* cryptic!
br0ccoli 15
Maybe not playing coy, but just treating it like a joke. "I'm going to slay your pussy, wench" is not a mood setter and definitely would make a girl laugh. It's okay. I'm sure his wit and good sense of humor made up for the fact that he's no Casanova. We women just want to feel wanted, appreciated and looked at like a sex goddess every now and then. It's not cryptic.
ryanbeast 7
That's what she said!
bigtaytay 13
well at least he's trying