Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, I made my way to bed around 4am after spending all night hanging out with my family. When I got to my bed, I started to clear a spot to lay down. Almost immediately, my hand touched something furry and cold and, fearing the worst, I turned the light on. Turns out my cat left me a half eaten rodent. FML
Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML
Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML
Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML
Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML
Today, my dad uttered the dreaded words, “Now don’t worry boy, I knows exactly what I is doing.” A few short minutes later he has a destroyed impact drill, my ladder is snapped, my kitchen window is broken, my wife is in hospital for stitches, and we can’t find the cat. FML
Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML
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Top comments
Elizabeth Burley 22
Cats bring dead things to humans as gifts and signs of love. Mine once brough me a dead mouse while I was still in bed and despite being scared shitless I had to praise him because he did a good thing. Maybe the cat was congratulating you on your apprenticeship? Whatever the reason, congrats OP!
RichardPencil 32
Go out and get your dad a goddamned biscuit already!!!
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Comments (15)
Elizabeth Burley 22
Cats bring dead things to humans as gifts and signs of love. Mine once brough me a dead mouse while I was still in bed and despite being scared shitless I had to praise him because he did a good thing. Maybe the cat was congratulating you on your apprenticeship? Whatever the reason, congrats OP!
Sinshine 28
You had to praise him? Hell no!
manb91uk 22
Actually it's also because they think you're a crappy hunter, so they need to bring you hunts to keep you alive 😂
RichardPencil 32
Go out and get your dad a goddamned biscuit already!!!
thisisbutaname 38
M E T A E T A
Sinshine 28
Did you at least get to keep the squirrel?
bloopaloop 27
Union jobs aren't what they used to be
thisisbutaname 38
Well, now you know OP. Leave a squirrel by his bed and get praised too
darkshadus 10
Congradulations in getting in the apprenticeship (retired Union Apprenticed Journeyman Electrician)
Robert Harrison 3
Perhaps he would be more proud of you if you could use the shift key on your computer.
zuckerburg 21
your computer can shift into different gears? does it go faster? TELL ME
zuckerburg 21
You stepped in it. After your father woke you up, thinking he was talking to you, telling you how proud of you he was. Are you some kind of special kid? Is this apprenticeship as one of Santa's elves so you could work yourself up to being Santa one day? Because holy shit you need to be some kind of special retard if you step on the ******* thing after knowing about it