Today, I woke up to my best friend laying next to me vigorously touching herself. She thought I was asleep. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my friend spent the night. I now know that she masturbates in her sleep. FML
Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML
Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML
Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML
Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML
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Top comments
BurnInDemonFire 39
You were asleep. She should have toned it down a bit. Or asked you to help.
chickensheep 15
I’ve seen this movie
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Comments (4)
chickensheep 15
I’ve seen this movie
RichardPencil 32
Alexa, what the hell?!?! I think you should be playing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls...I honestly do.
BurnInDemonFire 39
You were asleep. She should have toned it down a bit. Or asked you to help.
Matt Richard Conklin 6
Have your friend contact me immediately