Today, I came home to my boyfriend weighing a cup of shit on the kitchen scale. After I finished screaming in horror, he said he wanted to know how much his average dump weighed, so he could calculate how many pounds of shit he'd made in his adult life. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while doing my boyfriend's laundry, I noticed that every single pair of his boxers had a poop smear in them. He's almost 30. FML
Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML
Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML
Today, my roommate sent me a picture of his shit. I don’t know what’s worse, the caption saying “3 lbs” or the fact that it was all one gigantic piece. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML
Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he came up the stairs, "Stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the trash. We'll eat sandwiches. FML
Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML
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Top comments
JackWood 21
He's a keeper
L0life29 6
I can’t believe I’m actually saying this but…..at least he’s doing something “educational”
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Comments (5)
JackWood 21
He's a keeper
L0life29 6
I can’t believe I’m actually saying this but…..at least he’s doing something “educational”
2deployments1divorce 11
Weigh yourself before and after, it's much easier.
Yudith 28
Not necessarily. Most bathroom scales give your weight plus or minus a few pounds, while most kitchen scales cannot weight anything over a kilo. The boyfriend really had to weight his excrements on the kitchen scale. In fact, if he really wanted to go the scientific route, he would need to do this daily for at least a month, then calculate the average of his daily dump's weight. Of course, he would also need to weight the cup he put his shit in, then deduce the weight of the cup from the weight of the dump. All of this while he's sleeping alone in a motel because you threw him out for being disgusting.
Rake 18
This is a huge (brown) flag! run!
Venander 12
Funniest shit I've read here in ages