Today, some bloke pushed me to the floor and kicked me twice in the head so he could steal, no joke, the two Greggs pasties I just bought. He wasn’t homeless either, he had designer jeans and a giant iPhone, and he did it in broad daylight with witnesses. What the hell? FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML
Today, while I was walking to my car, I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML
Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML
Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML
Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML
Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML
Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML
Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML
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Top comments
cuz803 46
Sounds like a self-centered blowhard. Since people saw and security cameras are almost everywhere, I'd seek that to press charges. Definitely do report the incident. But knowing his type, you can almost guarantee he'll be around that area again so I'd look for retribution.
ojoRojo 27
Drugs? Drugs.
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Comments (6)
cuz803 46
Sounds like a self-centered blowhard. Since people saw and security cameras are almost everywhere, I'd seek that to press charges. Definitely do report the incident. But knowing his type, you can almost guarantee he'll be around that area again so I'd look for retribution.
lukey101 26
TBH would probably do worse for a Greggs sausage roll
Brightside86 31
Was thinking the security at this strip club must be awful. A "pastie" usually refers to something women use to cover their nipples.
Dissapointment 11
I think he meant Greggs pastries
Suzi_d16 27
No he meant pasty. Look it up. It’s like a meat pie thing.
Yudith 28
That looks like an ad for Greggs pastries.
ojoRojo 27
Drugs? Drugs.
Bonniibiik 6
Drugs.
Warp1978 15
Do you live in London, certainly sounds like a London crime. I once got threatened with a broken bottle for my shopping (cereal and bread) I'd let it go and move on