Today, despite me being a master-level carpenter, and my art sells for thousands, I heard my mom telling her snobby friends how embarrassed she is of me because I’m “basically unemployed” and waste my time on “hobby crafts” like a teenage nerd instead of getting “a real job” and finding a wife. FML
Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML
Today, my workplace's new policy requires me to ask employees why they're calling out sick. I had to listen to the answer, "When it comes out of your bum, like a bullet from a gun…" FML
Today, I was rejected from a job for which I was perfectly qualified, as it was in my area of expertise. The interviewer was the most annoying prick and kept on talking and "helping" me debug from the moment I opened the technical task. I ended up asking him to please shut up so that I could think for a minute. FML
Today, I got up early because I had a bunch of work to do. It's now 11:50 p.m and I still haven't managed to get anything done. FML
Today, I managed to fell a tree perfectly. It landed exactly where it should. Today is also the day I managed to Whack-a-Mole in real life. FML
Today, my hourly wage as a doctor is exactly 80 cents more than the hourly wage of my friend's, who did an apprenticeship with no extra diploma. FML
Today, thanks to my asshole coworker and his obsession of posting pictures and tagging me in them on Facebook after I repeatedly told him not to, my wife found out about a party we had with colleagues only. I’m seen in several photos kissing my work bestie, who I hoped I’d keep under wraps until now. FML
Today, I sent my boss a picture of my cat instead of the report I was supposed to send. He replied, "Maybe I should've hired him instead of you." FML
Today, I'm currently being stalked/harassed by my narcissistic ex's new baby mama. She's trying to get me fired from my new job for taking her man, when in reality I want nothing to do with him. The fact that she has taken my baby's name and named their daughter it, is freaking me out. She has people find me everywhere I go. FML
Today, I was just rejected from a part-time job I applied for to have something to do during my retirement. They required references from at least two former employers. I only have one former employer because I worked for the same damn company from 17 to 66 years old. This some bulls**t. FML
Today, after three interviews, I accepted an offer for my dream job and submitted my notice. The company called me to say they couldn't contact my referees and have now withdrawn the offer. I'm now officially unemployed. FML
Today, the dean of the university I go to delivered a DoorDash order to me. FML
Today, due to nepotism, I lost to a competitor. They rarely contributed to the competition and were literally distracted all the way through. Their quality was pretty low as well, but they were friends with the judge. FML
Today, I got caught in the rain without an umbrella. I arrived at work looking like a wet rat, and my boss sent me home to change. I forgot my keys at work and ended up locked out of my apartment in the rain. I can't seem to catch a break. FML
Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML
Today, I went to a job interview, and the interviewer asked me to give an example of a time I went above and beyond for a customer. I proudly told him about the time I drove a customer home when their car broke down. The interviewer then asked me if I had any examples from a professional setting. FML
Today, I listened through the wall while my boss had phone sex with his side piece. His wife works down the hall from us, she's the worst, so I have no ethical issues with explaining to her that he "has an appointment." FML
Today, I woke up to find out that my practically feral cat had chewed through my laptop charger cable. I guess I won't be getting much work done today. FML
Today, during the party for my last day at my old job, my office wife professed her love for me. We’re both married, we have no chemistry, and I’ve been dumping my work on her for three years. FML
Today, I went to a job interview wearing what I consider to be my lucky shirt. On my way to the interview, a bird dropped a load of bird poop on my shirt, and I didn't have time to change. During the interview, the interviewer kept staring at the poop stain on my shirt. FML
Today, a co-worker at the restaurant I work decided it'd be a good idea to kiss my neck while giving me a hug. After I told him the kiss was too much, he wouldn't leave me alone or let me work in peace. I had to ask my sup to kick him out, all the while the event triggered my PTSD. FML
Today, I was rejected from my dream job because my interviewer googled me and one of the images that comes up is a pic of me sunbathing nude in my own private garden. That pic isn’t one I took, it isn’t on my Facebook or anything, I have no f**king idea where it came from or who photographed me. FML
Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied by the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML
Today, my husband’s coworker made lunch for him again complete with a “cute” note. I cook every day, but somehow this single woman finds it appropriate to cook and pack lunch for my husband. When I told him it needs to stop, he said I was being too jealous, and she’s just a nice lady. FML
Today, I was screen-sharing during a virtual meeting when my cat jumped up and walked across my keyboard, and revealed my embarrassing search history. FML
Today, I got the flu so I needed a sick note. The local doctor’s office has a sign outside saying, “DON’T come in if you’re contagious.” They are also completely unreachable by phone. Sooo, I guess I’ll… send a pigeon? FML
Today, I got a song stuck in my head and couldn't stop humming it, even during an important meeting. I didn't realise I was doing it until my boss stopped talking, looked at me, and said, "You OK over there Jim Morrison?" FML
Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. It wasn't too bad, until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML
Today, I lost my earbuds on the subway to work, so I had to listen to my boss's terrible music all day. FML
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