Anonymous · 28 August 2023, 06:00 ·St-Malo, France 🌶️ Spicy

Oh Bondage! Up Yours!

Today, and ever since I've known her, my girlfriend easily falls asleep if she lies down. We decided to try bondage on our bed, but once laying down she fell asleep. I was the one tied up to the bed frame. When she woke up, I thought it would be funny to say I could stay two more hours like that. She took it seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208 You deserved it 616

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Pinsky · 27 August 2023, 22:00 🌶️ Spicy

Freudian slip

Today, my girlfriend met an old family friend who I used to hate. Their interaction was courteous, but included the jab that he'd lost a bunch of weight after High School, while I'd packed it on. That night during sex, she called me by his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672 You deserved it 131

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Anonymous · 25 August 2023, 16:00 ·Germany 🌶️ Spicy

Like riding a bike

Today, after nine years, I got back together with my first love, the man who taught me about sensuality and touch, and who no one could measure up to since. I guess this time I’ll have to do the teaching, because he has somehow forgotten even the basics of how to touch a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 550 You deserved it 211

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Anonymous · 23 August 2023, 22:00 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

Today, I sent my fuckbuddy a sexy message about what I wanted to do in bed with him next time we meet. He responded with, "oki doki". FML

I agree, your life sucks 303 You deserved it 513

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Anonymous · 23 August 2023, 10:00 ·Nottingham, United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy

The birds and the bees

Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783 You deserved it 120

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Ruschlikon, Switzerland 🌶️ Spicy

Barbie squeaks

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 537 You deserved it 4 681

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Anonymous · 22 August 2023, 04:00 🌶️ Spicy

You big wuss

Today, the girl I was going to hook up with took off her clothes and revealed she had an absolutely disturbing tattoo of a rotting zombie head on her lower stomach and groin, the idea being that during sex my penis would look like it was in the zombie's mouth. I couldn’t go through with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693 You deserved it 243

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Anonymous · 21 August 2023, 22:00 ·Germany 🌶️ Spicy

Work it!

Today, my man said, "If you get more sore from your workouts than from having sex with me, I’m gonna cry!" Uhm… I do serious weight training, and in bed we both enjoy the missionary position, so… sorry for your ego, Honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547 You deserved it 173

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Anonymous · 17 August 2023, 00:00 🌶️ Spicy

Labor laws are a joke

Today, I asked a girl at work out, who'd claimed she was single. Not ten minutes later, our boss fired me. Turns out that girl is actually his side chick he cheats on his wife with, even though she’s 19 and he’s 48. Not illegal, just scummy as hell, and he fired me out of jealousy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868 You deserved it 127

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Also homeless · 16 August 2023, 00:02 🌶️ Spicy

Kinky but reckless

Today, I thought it would be a good idea for me and my colleague to fuck in the bathroom that no one uses. Turns out, the president of the company, who was here for a visit, had picked the perfect day to use it. Now we’re jobless and potentially spouseless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 You deserved it 2 080

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Anonymous · 15 August 2023, 04:00 🌶️ Spicy

These '80s nostalgia trends are getting out of hand

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend with wet celery, a flying helmet, a feather duster, and an egg whisk as an 'Allo 'Allo! themed sex joke. He didn’t get it so I had to explain it to him, which kind of ruined the joke. In the end we just spent yet another sexless night, bored, watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472 You deserved it 359

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Anonymous · 14 August 2023, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

Do you guys even talk to one another?

Today, my wife pretended she was going to suck my knob, but then bit it so hard she drew blood. Apparently, she saw the texts from my “girlfriend”. The texts were actually from our elderly neighbour, who asked me to feed her cat while she visited her daughter. She thought “feed my cat” meant "illicit sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109 You deserved it 127

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alyssabree42 · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Estacada, United States 🌶️ Spicy

My eyes!

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 128 You deserved it 23 644

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Betriz · 14 August 2023, 06:00 🌶️ Spicy

Helping hand

Today, I walked in on my live-in sister masturbating my husband. He currently has injuries on both arms and they’re both in a cast. She told me he was “horny” and needed to “take some pressure off” so she wanted to “help” because she "was home at the time.” They both seriously see nothing wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004 You deserved it 166

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dizzy · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·Malaysia 🌶️ Spicy

Queasy Lover

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 897 You deserved it 6 165

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Anonymous · 13 August 2023, 04:00 ·Melbourne, Australia 🌶️ Spicy

Reverse Uno prank

Today, my best friend, who I hadn’t seen since last year, picked me up and we got to talking about our memories together. I brought up the time we both cheated on our girlfriends at a Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert. Little did I know his girlfriend was waiting in the back of the car to scare me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 199 You deserved it 969

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Anonymous · 12 August 2023, 10:00 🌶️ Spicy

Did Kris Jenner put you up to this?

Today, my wife wanted to spice things up by making a sex tape. Not sure if it was excitement or just the pressure of being on camera, but the whole thing was less than 4 minutes, including foreplay and apologising, and due to bad camera placement most of the film was of my asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544 You deserved it 226

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duck'n'cover!! · 10 August 2023, 22:00 🌶️ Spicy

Empty threat

Today, during an argument, my girlfriend said she wasn't having sex with me anytime soon. She never wants sex in the first place, so her threat fell pretty flat. When I pointed this out, she went absolutely apeshit and started throwing plates at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720 You deserved it 160

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Anonymous · 10 August 2023, 14:00 ·Salamanca, Spain 🌶️ Spicy

Great idea for a fun night

Today, to my surprise, my girlfriend accepted to try bondage, despite not being particularly turned on by it. I understood why when, after she firmly tied me up to the bed, she ate 80% of the two-person cake we bought for dinner. In front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 503 You deserved it 369

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Anonymous · 10 August 2023, 06:00 🌶️ Spicy

Seventh heaven

Today, during sex I blurted out, “Oh god yes, put a baby in me!” He lost his boner instantly because he doesn’t want kids. I don’t even know why I said it, I don’t want kids either. In fact I warned him before we started dating that I never want kids, so if he did want kids he should date someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249 You deserved it 765

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Anonymous · 9 August 2023, 04:00 ·Wolcott, United States 🌶️ Spicy

Red-handed

Today, I was really excited to fuck my boyfriend when I got home from work. When I got home, I found him excited and… fucking someone from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824 You deserved it 214

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Anonymous · 8 August 2023, 22:00 🌶️ Spicy

The gift that keeps on giving

Today, it's been a few weeks since I had my first sexual experience in 6 years following my divorce. It was with a woman I’ve known for years. We get on amazingly, more than me and my ex ever did. She’s sweet, sexy, funny, amazing in bed, and even likes Xbox. Unfortunately she also gave me Scabies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741 You deserved it 202

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Two hundred down · 7 August 2023, 04:00 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Classic dude moment

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 734 You deserved it 327

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2 Accommodating · 6 August 2023, 04:00 🌶️ Spicy

Coupon time!

Today, my wife crushed my cell phone with a heavy plate. She offered to pay for it in sex, which I eagerly accepted. When I asked her for “a downpayment” an hour later, she looked at me like she’d accommodated this arrangement for far too long already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554 You deserved it 159

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plummet · 5 August 2023, 00:02 ·Cañon City, United States 🌶️ Spicy

Knock one out

Today, it's been three weeks since my husband’s daughter has been staying with us. Zero sexy time since she’s been here. Finally, we had the chance tonight. He lasted 4 minutes. I’m still hot and frustrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581 You deserved it 158

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Anonymous · 4 August 2023, 04:00 ·Waseca, United States 🌶️ Spicy

In the heat of the moment

Today, I was intimate with my girlfriend for the first time, after watching an episode of Jimmy Neutron. I got so excited that I came in less than 20 seconds and yelled, "Brain blast!" as I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 You deserved it 690

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Jill · 2 August 2023, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

All mixed up

Today, after finding out that I'd slept with our married neighbor, I found out my husband had slept with him too as revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135 You deserved it 1 136

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Foool me once · 2 August 2023, 00:02 🌶️ Spicy

Never again

Today, my long distance boyfriend left me for a local girl. My last relationship was also long distance and we were even engaged until he slept with someone in his hometown because his “horniness” was “becoming too much.” I think I get the hint now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545 You deserved it 524

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Next In Line · 1 August 2023, 00:02 🌶️ Spicy

Hanky panky

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car and we got caught. He’s being detained because I’m underage. My parents were called and are on their way. I had told them I was studying for final exams with a classmate. I feel like I’m next in line on death row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216 You deserved it 1 467

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Anonymous · 29 July 2023, 15:00 🌶️ Spicy

Alexa, play "Absolute Beginners" by David Bowie

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try “things” while under the influence. I suggested he go down on me; he thought about it for a second and then said, “I would, but I don’t want to get scared when I take a look.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 882 You deserved it 290

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