Michael · 18 February 2025, 20:00 ·Seattle, United States

I'm too old for this shit

Today, I took a quick nap before going out with friends. I set an alarm for 30 minutes. When I woke up, I thought it had been a few minutes, so I jumped up, got my coat, and ran out the door. Turns out, my nap lasted 5 hours, and I missed the entire night out. My friends are still sending me pictures of them having fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322 You deserved it 376

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Ashley · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Belmont, United States

Mind melting

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 629 You deserved it 8 222

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Anonymous · 17 February 2025, 15:00 ·United Kingdom

Landscaping

Today, my husband discovered our neighbour's fence was over our property line by 6 feet and kicked up a fuss about moving the fence. It turns out my husband can’t measure for shit. The fence is actually inside the neighbour's property, and he insisted we move it. There is now no room to park my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 256 You deserved it 466

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ToxicFamily · 17 February 2025, 09:00 ·Berlin, Germany

Drive thru

Today, my entitled brother-in-law called me unannounced as I was having lunch and asked if I had food for him and his wife. I said, "The food I have at home will only be enough for my husband." Now I'm the villain for not cooking enough for sudden unexpected mealtime visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557 You deserved it 84

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emilyxoxoxo · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

Out of control

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 954 You deserved it 37 336

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Anonymous · 16 February 2025, 15:00 ·Vancouver, Canada

Background noise

Today, I was feeling lonely, so I turned on my Roomba for some "company." Five minutes in, it got stuck under the couch and started crying for help. Now I’m comforting an appliance because I feel bad for mistreating it. I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272 You deserved it 382

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Anonymous · 15 February 2025, 22:00 ·Perth, Australia

Classic power move

Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit after arguing with my sibling. I slammed the front door behind me, only to realize my hoodie string was stuck in it. I had to awkwardly knock and ask to be let back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 You deserved it 457

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bumpinthenight · This FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 432 You deserved it 441

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frenchpop1960 · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

Confusing

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said, "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 601 You deserved it 42 160

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Why am I still in this relationship? · 14 February 2025, 15:00 ·Toronto, Canada

Watch out!

Today, we had an ice storm. My fiancée went out to look at the damage and yelled at me when I warned her to be safe. As she was walking around, she almost got nailed by a falling branch. Now she's mad at me. I don't know why either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475 You deserved it 88

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Desperate housewife · 13 February 2025, 22:00 ·Miami, United States

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, I tried to make a good first impression by bringing homemade cookies to my new neighbors. I dropped the entire plate of cookies on their porch, and the dog across the street immediately rushed over and ate them. My new neighbors were very polite about it, but I’m pretty sure they think I'm a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386 You deserved it 128

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Anonymous · 13 February 2025, 12:00 ·Crestview, United States

I'm always right

Today, my dad got mad at me because after he told me that when I'm not going anywhere to stop putting on perfume, I told him I wasn't wearing any. I took a shower this morning, my hair is still wet. When I tried to explain this, he got pissed and said that I just needed to accept when he told me I was wrong and shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 484 You deserved it 96

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Anonymous · 13 February 2025, 03:00 ·United States

I am lost, I think

Today, I walked into a store, grabbed a shopping cart, and started browsing. After 15 seconds, I realized I was in the wrong store. The cashier watched as I awkwardly returned my cart and walked out like I totally meant to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 152 You deserved it 364

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff ·Cypress, United States

This is fine

Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her "brick throwing spot", in my own driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 266 You deserved it 538

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stinkyhair · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Help!

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 283 You deserved it 2 915

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Sarah · 11 February 2025, 09:00 ·Austin, United States

Read the room

Today, I was at a family gathering and during a lull in the conversation I started to tell a joke to lighten the mood. Halfway through, I realized the joke was incredibly inappropriate. The room fell silent, and my grandma hasn’t looked at me the same since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 You deserved it 637

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Knittedbirch · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Entitled much?

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 214 You deserved it 1 774

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Anonymous · 10 February 2025, 15:00 ·Kansas City, United States

Stuck on you

Today, I put on a new pair of jeans and went out. Halfway through my errands, I realized the long sticker with my size was still on the back. I walked around for quite a while advertising my embarrassing waist and leg measurements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217 You deserved it 337

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Anonymous · 10 February 2025, 09:00 ·Los Angeles, United States

Overconfident

Today, I tried carrying all my groceries inside in one trip. I succeeded, but also succeeded in tearing the handles, dropping everything, and rolling a can of soup straight under my neighbor’s car. Never trust cheap tote bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178 You deserved it 397

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Anonymous · 10 February 2025, 03:00 ·United States

Well travelled

Today, I was at a restaurant and confidently ordered in what I thought was fluent French. The waiter stared at me for a second, then responded in perfect English, "Dude, this is an Italian restaurant." FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 You deserved it 777

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Raven · 9 February 2025, 20:00 ·United States

Salute

Today, I found out that the amazing, funny guy who introduced me to FML, and who would laugh in band with me every day at FMLs, has died. In his honor, FML

I agree, your life sucks 882 You deserved it 97

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lordoftheweird · 8 February 2025, 22:00 ·Canada

Scheming

Today, I found out my parents' entire marriage was a convoluted scheme to get them both permanently unfit to stand trial. I am genuinely scared to find out what they have planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435 You deserved it 89

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Ringo McDingo · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

Thrashed

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 573 You deserved it 2 269

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Anonymous · 7 February 2025, 15:00

Parents of the year

Today, I got to experience the rare pleasure of overhearing my divorcing parents admit that neither of them want full custody of me, or even shared custody, and then planning to guilt one of my grandparents into accepting custody instead. God I hate them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821 You deserved it 107

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No life (apparently) · 6 February 2025, 09:00 ·United States

We believe in you

Today, after months of playing chess as a hobby, I'm actually starting to get kind of good. Excited at my results, I decided to share this with a friend. Her response: "Don't quit your day job. You're not becoming a professional." First of all, I'm not trying to be THAT good, nor do I expect to. Secondly, ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420 You deserved it 119

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PinkPonyGirl · 6 February 2025, 03:00 ·United States

You gotta fight, for your right…

Today, I posted a status how women deserve the right to be sexually liberated and that modesty is unnecessary. Some dick felt the need to comment, “Have you looked in the mirror? In your case modesty would be an act of mercy.” Another commented, “Yeah bro, I bet they’d pay her to keep her clothes on in strip clubs.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 351 You deserved it 572

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Anonymous · 6 February 2025, 00:00 ·San Jose del Monte, Philippines

Can't handle my drinks

Today, I drank cocktails and shots. On the way home, I had to pee so bad that I only got to the front door and peed all over our carpet. My mom saw the whole thing and my dad saw the aftermath with the super drenched carpet and shoes. My mom had to mop the floor after I ran to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 You deserved it 772

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Ely, United States

Ah, those were the times…

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 897 You deserved it 4 607

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Anonymous · 5 February 2025, 03:00 ·Liverpool, United Kingdom

Basic night out

Today, I went out and got very drunk. I talked to a girl and some other people. As the girl left, someone told me to follow her as she didn't seem to know where she was going. As a drunk, socially inept idiot, I did so for about 20 seconds, only for someone to point me out to her and quickly guide her away. Then I lost like £700. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 You deserved it 665

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anon · 5 February 2025, 00:00 ·Naaldwijk, Netherlands

Rotten

Today, my roommate thought that "sour milk" would taste like sour candy. She left a jug of milk out for two days, then took a huge gulp, vomited everywhere, and dropped the jug. Now the kitchen stinks of rotten dairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556 You deserved it 89

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