Today, I discovered that my husband doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet. Too bad I got to found out after three years of marriage, and while his finger was in my mouth. FML
Today, a customer came to make a return - a bag full of clothes without tags that weren’t from our store. I kindly told her she couldn’t return them. She had a full blown meltdown, pulled down her pants, urinated and defecated on the ground. Security escorted her out. My coworker and I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML
Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML
Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML
Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn't, and someone had put their cigarette out in it. FML
Today, I discovered a bunch of porn on my husband's laptop, cartoon stuff with rabbit girls and monsters with octopus tentacles, I felt physically sick and I don’t think I can stomach being married to him anymore. It was disgusting FML
Today, it's not bad enough that I'm fighting stage 4 colorectal cancer, and that I'm 3 weeks out of colostomy surgery, during the night, it came unhooked from my body in my sleep. I woke up to the smell of shit, and I was covered in dried shit, glued to my sheets. It made it through 2 'waterproof' mattress protectors, to the expensive foam mattress. FML
Today, I have killed at least several dozen flies over the course of the past few days. My cat, who used to be a fly killing machine, isn't doing shit to help me. She's not old or fat or anything, she's just lazy. Meanwhile, I had to go buy a water bottle with a cover to keep flies from going into my drink. FML
Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML
Today, some woman, sick with god knows what, didn’t vomit into the bin next to my car, or even just onto the floor, she lurched over to my car and vomited through my open window onto my shirt and legs, and down into the footwell. I can still smell it. FML
Today, I was assigned to empty the lavatory tank on an airplane. I haven't done this since February, when the contents ended up all over me. I thought to myself, "It can't happen again, can it?" I was wrong. FML
Today, because I have an inner ear problem which gives me major vertigo and nausea, I spontaneously projectile vomited all over my bathroom. FML
Today, I'm using mold and mildew stain remover on my mattress, all because I threw up on it drunk, and was to lazy to clean it up when it happened. FML
Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML
Today, due to an emergency, I have worked for 21 hours non stop. When I got home at 6 a.m. I fell into bed and stuck to the sheets. Only then, just as he was going to work, did my husband yell up the stairs that the sheets needed washing because he spilled his cough medicine all over the bed when he woke up. FML
Today, my work decided to fire me. Three days ago, I sat down with my boss and asked if they could fix the sewage leak in my office, and maybe look into how loud it is. FML
Today, my 3 year-old son projectile vomited on me. I was covered head to toe in blue Gatorade vomit. FML
Today, my new office mate offered to let me smell her deodorant. This was after clipping her nails, before pulling out her needle point project, and while complaining how overworked she is. FML
Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used Band-Aid in it. FML
Today, as the only female manager, I had to talk to a worker about her hygiene. I asked if she had the means and a place to shower. She rolled her eyes and said of course she did, but found daily bathing unnecessary, and that a couple times a month does her just fine. The whole staff would disagree. FML
Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML
Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML
Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML
Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML
Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML
Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, my mom is on vacation and I’m taking care of her pets. I also get to clean the entire house. No, she didn’t ask me to do that. It’s just that I had to hold my breath every time I opened the fridge, and there is no surface clean enough to actually touch, so I simply couldn’t help myself. FML
Today, I went camping with my boyfriend. We were sleeping on a small slope. He got so drunk he peed in his sleep. I was downhill. FML
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