alyssa ig idk · 22 December 2022, 00:00 ·Taylor, United States

Heavy load

Today, I realized why my sister has had so many fluids coming out of her, yet I was sick too and nothing was coming out. It's because everything I ate in the past 72 hours was piling up in my ass, and just came out as a monster 5 times bigger than normal, and left my ass on fire for 45 minutes straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886 You deserved it 162

5 comments Share

Trash Fail · 21 December 2022, 00:00

Never cheap out on trash bags

Today, I tried to replace my garbage can's trash bag. Every time I tried to pick it up, it would rip. Now my only option is to physically take everything out of it and pray to the Gods of Garbage that I get a trash can that doesn't have the durability of 1-ply toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617 You deserved it 240

3 comments Share

I can't hear you! · 14 December 2022, 09:00

Glue ear

Today, I found out that my waking up every morning with my ear being ridiculously plugged is actually an ear infection. How did I not know? It's simple: my ears generate enough wax to make an entire fucking candle, so I assumed they were just building up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854 You deserved it 149

2 comments Share

gag! · 10 December 2022, 00:00

Clean

Today, my boyfriend complained that I "treat him like a child" by asking him if he’s brushed his teeth before we kiss. Gee maybe if he brushed regularly like a fucking adult, I wouldn’t HAVE to ask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986 You deserved it 228

1 comment Share

balls · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Santa Clara, United States

Deez nutz

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633 You deserved it 30 994

121 comments Share

Anonymous · 30 November 2022, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

My eyes!

Today, I saw my neighbors having sex. They’re not great looking and bang like pornstars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 528 You deserved it 867

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 27 November 2022, 06:00

Better out than in

Today, I’ve had a blocked nose for weeks, so when I sneezed I partially dislodged a massive solid booger. It was so big and thick, I had to grab it and pull it the rest of the way out. I was on a first date at the time, and he left before I got back from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982 You deserved it 212

1 comment Share

Dodged a bullet · 25 November 2022, 12:00 ·United States

The blob

Today, after several days of deep-cleaning my house, I found a huge section of my room covered in black mold. I almost puked when I saw it. Not only could that have put anyone in the hospital, but it also explains why I've been getting sick all the time as of late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912 You deserved it 231

3 comments Share

Anonymous · 20 November 2022, 12:00 ·Burlington, Canada 🌶️ Spicy

Dirty sex

Today, I was in my girlfriend's room when she walked in after getting out of the shower, wearing just a towel. She removed it and I was inches away from going down on her when I noticed she hadn’t wiped properly, either before or after her shower. She'd complained about stomach problems earlier, but regardless… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037 You deserved it 137

2 comments Share

fenris · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Saint Austell, United Kingdom

For those who work in customer service, we salute you

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid ran up to me and threw up. It was a 10-hour shift, and I was one hour in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 716 You deserved it 775

14 comments Share

anon · 16 November 2022, 18:00

Leftovers

Today, I went back to work after a nasty sinus infection. While I was talking to my manager, I sniffled, and a huge ropy string of green snot popped out of my nose. My manager pointed and shrieked, "OH MY GOD! EWWWW!", getting the attention of everyone in the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873 You deserved it 241

3 comments Share

Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Spring Hope, United States

Turbulence

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 025 You deserved it 3 164

56 comments Share

Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·United States

Health goals

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 622 You deserved it 2 920

32 comments Share

Anonymous · 7 November 2022, 16:00

Snot machine

Today, I had to supervise my 9 year-old nephew taking a shower, because he won't wash with soap or shampoo unless someone makes him. Instead, he blows three-inch-long green and brown boogers out of his nose that dangle from his nostril. He's disgusting and hasn't even hit puberty yet. This is future of the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885 You deserved it 178

3 comments Share

dumped · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Fair enough

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 155 You deserved it 4 693

143 comments Share

Timmay · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

BOOM!

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boom swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 482 You deserved it 4 842

101 comments Share

big time traumatized · 2 November 2022, 10:00

PANIC!

Today, my husband drank way too much white wine at a wedding and projectile vomited all over me and my car while I was driving. We were 5 miles from home and I have emetophobia (the fear of vomit/vomiting). FML

I agree, your life sucks 857 You deserved it 183

2 comments Share

Anonymous · 2 November 2022, 00:00

Skidmarks

Today, while drinking with my siblings, my brother said out loud at the pub: “I have to go…wipe better”, then he fucked off and didn’t come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778 You deserved it 134

2 comments Share

Courtney · 30 October 2022, 14:00

Nearly did a Jimi Hendrix

Today, I had a dream in which I was throwing up. Turns out it wasn’t a dream and I woke up to puke all over the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842 You deserved it 132

1 comment Share

idk · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·Alexandria, United States

Bad time

Today, I saw the hottest nurse ever. Too bad he was pulling out a piece of wax the size of a raisin from my blocked ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 774 You deserved it 8 468

42 comments Share

kise · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Paris, France

Confused

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 042 You deserved it 34 338

0 comment Share

Anonymous · 17 October 2022, 12:00

Road movie

Today, I threw up while on a road trip. My boyfriend asked what made me sick, but I didn't want to tell him that his belching the entire time smelled so goddamn bad it made me physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567 You deserved it 787

4 comments Share

Defeated · 10 October 2022, 23:40 ·United States

Flies gonna fly

Today, I've become so accustomed to having flies in my house that I just gave up on getting rid of them. I only kill the ones that repeatedly land on my face or, worst of all, in my ears. Especially when they get stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 424 You deserved it 783

8 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 October 2022, 17:30 ·United Kingdom

Recycling at its finest

Today, I was having a vegetarian meal at my date's house. She was very proud because she grew all the veggies herself; she even made the fertiliser herself. I was halfway through the meal before I asked what she meant by "made her own fertiliser." It was human shit; her own human shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569 You deserved it 245

3 comments Share

poopsthegame · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Honolulu, United States

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 696 You deserved it 1 904

72 comments Share

snowiewind · 1 October 2022, 03:59 ·Osaka, Japan

Food for thought

Today, I had a bacterial infection in my intestines. Doctors suggested I wash my intestines, but apparently forgot to tell me I couldn't eat before the procedure. I don't know what's worse, the fact that the whole room right now smells like rancid fried chicken, or the fact that the doctors were just talking about going to Popeyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946 You deserved it 263

2 comments Share

Sam · 19 September 2022, 05:00

Sympathetic barfing

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a kinda wet feeling. When I put the lights on, I realized that my baby must have had a stomach bug and had puked all over the bed. That was when I realized that I had a stomach bug too and puked on my poor little baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120 You deserved it 235

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 16 September 2022, 12:30 ·United States

Smelly glasses for life

Today, I used my towel on the counter to clean my glasses. Apparently, my foster cat had peed on it during the night. The wet towel hit my mouth. I started out my day with cat pee on my lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877 You deserved it 323

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 6 September 2022, 19:00

Absentmindedly

Today, I saw some reddish-colored stuff on my finger after wiping my face. I thought it was blood at first, so I smelled it, then licked it, I don't know why the fuck I did that but anyways, I later realized I'd wiped off some of my eyeshadow and frickin ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270 You deserved it 1 250

3 comments Share

Anonymous · 2 September 2022, 12:00 ·Europe

Toxic waste

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155 You deserved it 465

2 comments Share