Today, I was having a vegetarian meal at my date's house. She was very proud because she grew all the veggies herself; she even made the fertiliser herself. I was halfway through the meal before I asked what she meant by "made her own fertiliser." It was human shit; her own human shit. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, I brought my Tinder date back to my house to cook for her. I made her gnocchi, because she had never had it before. She forgot to tell me she was lactose intolerant, and proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes violently and loudly shitting. I poisoned my date. FML
Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, I spent hours cooking dinner for my date. When they arrived, they told me that I'd probably not paid much attention to their dating profile, as it clearly mentioned that they were vegan, and thus couldn't eat any of the food I'd prepared. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML
Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML
Today, I was teaching a girl from the neighborhood how to cook, telling her to start by washing the veggies. She said, "Oh, because you’re vegan, right?" No dear, because they’re dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Get yourself checked for E. coli. On second thought, don't bother. Your results will come out in the next day or so. It could be a ... shitty situation.
Thaylok 17
Actually, that fertilizer can be treated before use to make it safe to use. However, like in North Korea, that is rarely done. So yes, be ready for the repercussions and be ready to seek medical help if needed. You may try educating her about the cons to using "Night Soil." She may come around. If she refuses to listen to reason, spread your wings and flee that crappy situation.
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Comments (3)
RichardPencil 32
Get yourself checked for E. coli. On second thought, don't bother. Your results will come out in the next day or so. It could be a ... shitty situation.
cuz803 46
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
BEAT HER ASS AND THEN RUN TO A DOCTOR. HUMAN FECES CAN BE INFECTED WITH DISEASES. SUE HER TOO. TAKE SAMPLES OF HER FOOD AS EVIDENCE. REMINDER: BEAT HER ******* ASS!!!!!
Thaylok 17
Actually, that fertilizer can be treated before use to make it safe to use. However, like in North Korea, that is rarely done. So yes, be ready for the repercussions and be ready to seek medical help if needed. You may try educating her about the cons to using "Night Soil." She may come around. If she refuses to listen to reason, spread your wings and flee that crappy situation.