Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML
Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML
Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML
Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML
Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML
Today, I found out that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with a man who, as it turns out, doesn't actually exist. Thank you, the internet. FML
Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML
Today, my mom learned via Facebook that my ex is now divorced. She took this as a "sign from God" that he’s my soulmate, and took it upon herself to try to set us up. Not only have I not talked to this fool since we broke up in high school, I’m not sure who’s more pissed off, me or my husband. FML
Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML
Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML
Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML
Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML
Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML
Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML
Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML
Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML
Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML
Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML
Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML
Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML
Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML
Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML
Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML
Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML
Today, I was at work when I got a call to say my grandad died. When I was walking out to my car, I realised someone had stolen all my hubcaps. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML
Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML
Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML
Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven." Thanks a lot. FML
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