Today, my daughter asked me to hug her and tell her I love her, like I "always used to", because she “misses it.” She’s 25 years-old and acts like a little baby. FML
Today, I briefed a developer to delete 57 email accounts. I sent the wrong screenshots; those were the ones the client asked to stay active. The clients now don't have access to their emails until the account gets restored. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. FML
Today, I realized the kitten I adopted months ago either has serious attachment issues or the worst case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever seen. Only I can get near him, he can't stand us being over 5 feet apart, he meows until I let him into the bathroom with me, and I feel like a jerk for disliking it. I need space. FML
Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend gets lunch every day at Burger King. I confronted him, and he broke up with me. Apparently, he only pretended to be vegan like me to get in my pants, and now the jig is up he dumped me so he can return to having meat at all three meals of the day. FML
Today, I had to fix signs to a pond in the public park, stating that the water is not fit for drinking. Yes, this is after someone drank the water, became very sick, and successfully sued us for not having a sign up telling him the pond of mucky brown water with fish in isn’t fresh drinking water. FML
Today, while out with my girlfriend, her stalker ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and beat the shit out of me. While I was on the ground, my girlfriend got angry at him, and went to go “talk with him in private.” She’s nowhere to be found, and hasn’t picked up her phone in four hours. FML
Today, I woke up and every single one of my friends, coworkers, and even my own family members have decided they all hate me, for no apparent reason. Several of them have even told me to kill myself. I have no idea what I did wrong. FML
Today, my husband called and said he couldn’t make it home tonight from a party, because his car's battery had died and his friends didn’t have any jumper cables. When I offered to pick him up, he adamantly declined. I offered an Uber. Again, declined, and he got pissed, saying, “Stop worrying so much!” and hung up on me. FML
Today, my mom wanted to kick me out of the house, but she has a brain tumor and can’t be left alone. I want to leave this place, but I can’t leave her. I’m ready to quit. FML
Today, I was teaching a girl from the neighborhood how to cook, telling her to start by washing the veggies. She said, "Oh, because you’re vegan, right?" No dear, because they’re dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were taking a stroll when I was mugged at knife point. My boyfriend did nothing and just stood there while the mugger took my purse and cellphone. His reason? The other day, I'd "disrespected" him by “texting another guy.” I’d texted the guy, “Happy birthday.” FML
Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML
Today, I had to do a PowerPoint presentation alone, since none of my group members showed up. I was given a big fat 0 for doing the presentation alone. It was worth 50% of my grade. FML
Today, I informed my daughter-in-law that I’m a granny, not an unpaid, on-call 24/7 babysitter, and no, I will not be babysitting her kids all day so she can go to an all-day brunch with her similarly selfish girlfriends. She threw an actual tantrum and threatened to put me in a home. FML
Today, I found out that my husband wasn’t at “work” like he said he was. He'd told me he couldn’t come to my Master degree graduation because he was called into “work” last minute. I guess “work” is code word for the “movie theatre” watching Spider-Man with an unidentified female person. FML
Today, I found out that my dad left his entire estate to charity in his will, including his house. He knew I needed that house to get my kids back, because I’m currently homeless and my kids are in care until I can prove I have a suitable place for us to live. FML
Today, I was found out when I was a baby, I was abandoned in a dumpster. FML
Today, I went in for surgery. All my life, my biggest fear has been that the anesthesia would paralyze me, but not actually put me to sleep. The doctors assured me the chances of that are almost none. You can probably guess how my surgery went. FML
Today, I was talking to a guy when he pointed behind me and said, “Hey, what’s that?” I looked behind me and he burst out laughing, saying he “can’t believe I’m so stupid that I still fall for that old trick.” We were having a conversation, not a physical fight. FML
Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me and walked away from our life together, because I wouldn’t let him indulge his stupid manchild hobby of collecting swords to hang on the walls. He already has two, why the hell would he want more than that? Bullet dodged, but 2 years together wasted. FML
Today, I accidentally called my friend by the wrong name. She's no longer speaking to me, because she thinks I have absolutely zero respect for her, and don’t care about her at all. In reality, she just looks exactly like the person whose name I called her by. FML
Today, a new hire at my workplace, who is already on probation, yelled at me about filing an HR complaint about him. I had customers, who definitely heard. I've never filed a complaint. FML
Today, my high school sweetheart and husband of 20 years sent me a text, saying, "You will notice I'm no longer living at home. I moved in with my parents while you were making dinner tonight. There's no one else. I'm just over the being married & stuff." Twenty years and dumped / divorced via text. FML
Today, I realized just how bad my life had become when the doctor said I was likely to survive my severe case of Covid and I was disappointed. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room with my boyfriend, only to sit there for 3 hours waiting for him to be seen, then having an argument with him about how impatient I am because they never called his name. FML
Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML
Today, in a fit of rage, my mom confessed to me that I was adopted, and if she had the chance to turn back time, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. All because I ate the last ice cream sandwich. FML
Today, I realized people don't value vulnerability and honesty. I've spent my life being open about it, only to learn that people use that to respect you less. I've reached a point where I give up, it sucks. Trying gets you nowhere. I don't wanna go back to a dark place, but feels like I will though. I have nobody… FML
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