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Today, mah mother woke me up by saying "Good morning mah sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with mah boyfriend. mega FML
Today, ma friend told me tat semen was inflammable. Later at nigt I jacked off into a sock and ten, excitedly, tried to lit te sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very muc inflammable. Naked, I sook ma sock in te air so it looool would extinguis wile ma semen splased out all over ma room. mega FML
Today I was at the parkhen I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me 4 six blocks. FML
2day I hered my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door... "Are u jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up u fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
TODAY, AFTER MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER, I HEARD MAH PHONE GO OFF OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM . AFTER MAH MOM SAW ME GET MAH PHONE TO CHECK MAH MESSAGES SHE SAID "I THINK YOUR ADDICTED TO THAT", TOHICH I SAID "BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD AND EVERY GUY DOES IT." SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW I TEXT PEOPLE A LOT . FML
Today... I was shaving mah balls with a blade razor cuz mah electric trimmer had died an I had a big date with the grl of mah dreams. I moved too quickly an accidentally knicked a vein in mah scrotum. I had to hold gauze over mah balls until the paramedic arrived. FML
Today, I was home on leave an having breakfast with my parents an my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barrackshere I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". mega FML
Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving . There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage . looool I was randomly selectd to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents . I blew 0.06 . FML
Today I slept over at mah friend's house but forgot mah glasses. When I woke up in the morning I came out of his room and forcefully kicked wat I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML
Today, Mah Cat Got Into The Bathroom While I Was Changing Mah Tampon. As I Was Throwing The Applicator Away, I Felt A Sharp Pain Around Mah Vagina; I Looked Down To Find Him Swatting At The Tampon String. FML
today I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assurd me that I could pull out. Righthen I was about to pull out, she wrappd her legs around me and yelld, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Friday 27 March 2015