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timotay89

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timotay89
  • Town/Country : Cranston, USA
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 531
  • Number of comments : 11
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 2 posted

About timotay89 : Favorite TV show is Doctor Who.

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timotay89's favorite FMLs

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

#5189788
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38259) - you deserved it (6385)

On 09/11/2009 at 4:46pm - animals - by ouchh (man) - United States (California)

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

#5148313
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (165652) - you deserved it (16665)

On 09/09/2009 at 1:21pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

#4751851
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25674) - you deserved it (2852)

On 08/23/2009 at 1:10am - misc - by Boltz719 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

#4483118
420 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50567) - you deserved it (19027)

On 08/12/2009 at 7:36pm - kids - by Ouch (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

#3919884
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79613) - you deserved it (5384)

On 07/21/2009 at 12:39am - intimacy - by fmjob (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

#3484293
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48127) - you deserved it (21625)

On 07/04/2009 at 5:07pm - love - by DutchOven (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

#3364803
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50333) - you deserved it (3076)

On 06/30/2009 at 12:17pm - kids - by lebanesewoman (woman) - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

#3364803
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50333) - you deserved it (3076)

On 06/30/2009 at 12:17pm - kids - by lebanesewoman (woman) - Hong Kong

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

#2991073
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12301) - you deserved it (54193)

On 06/18/2009 at 9:32am - misc - by OompaLoompa (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

#2812014
261 comments

I agree, your life sucks (90643) - you deserved it (19051)

On 06/11/2009 at 8:23pm - misc - by NoBalls (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

#2508726
300 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31738) - you deserved it (49745)

On 06/01/2009 at 7:12pm - misc - by Cail (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

#1704585
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57047) - you deserved it (2326)

On 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm - misc - by Gumfanatic302 (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

#1631197
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23065) - you deserved it (65722)

On 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

#1487468
305 comments

I agree, your life sucks (77916) - you deserved it (6672)

On 04/30/2009 at 11:11am - health - by buymeadrank (woman) - United States (Idaho)

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

#1466459
301 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16120) - you deserved it (83677)

On 04/29/2009 at 6:46pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)



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