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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 1815
  • Number of comments : 12
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 2 posted

About timotay89 : Favorite TV show is Doctor Who.

timotay89's page activity

Visits<b>Monday_funday</b> - the 07/28/2016 at 12:10pm<b>dubby21</b> - the 06/25/2016 at 9:31am<b>missa8604</b> - the 04/26/2016 at 7:39am<b>dontmindme7</b> - the 03/07/2016 at 11:18am<b>mineller</b> - the 02/02/2016 at 7:57am<b>kingshelly</b> - the 12/14/2015 at 6:11am<b>kaymo2</b> - the 08/25/2015 at 7:07am<b>melisssa87</b> - the 08/24/2015 at 2:37pm<b>manlytarts</b> - the 06/11/2015 at 5:44am<b>Marshmallowjello</b> - the 04/05/2015 at 9:30pm<b>els2010</b> - the 03/07/2015 at 6:45am<b>hippodankamus</b> - the 03/06/2015 at 11:19am<b>Christine_Junmin</b> - the 03/04/2015 at 12:11pm<b>boobear511</b> - the 12/02/2014 at 3:01pm<b>PicanteSeed</b> - the 10/20/2014 at 7:55am<b>wookieewhosshe</b> - the 10/07/2014 at 6:13pm<b>brookenicolee29</b> - the 10/01/2014 at 3:38pm<b>LilDuck17</b> - the 09/30/2014 at 2:12pm

Fucked!<b>manlytarts</b> - the 06/11/2015 at 11:44am<b>Christine_Junmin</b> - the 03/04/2015 at 6:11pm

timotay89's FML badges

I moderated this!

In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!

Up and coming moderator

It’s nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML’s moderate feature.

Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!

See all of timotay89's badges

timotay89's favorite FMLs

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

by NotAParabola / 10/07/2009 at 12:39am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

by ouchh / 09/11/2009 at 4:46pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 1:21pm / United States (Arizona) / Holidays

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

by Boltz719 / 08/23/2009 at 1:10am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

by Ouch / 08/12/2009 at 7:36pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

by fmjob / 07/21/2009 at 12:39am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Intimacy

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

by DutchOven / 07/04/2009 at 5:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

by lebanesewoman / 06/30/2009 at 12:17pm / Hong Kong / Kids

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

by lebanesewoman / 06/30/2009 at 12:17pm / Hong Kong / Kids

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

by OompaLoompa / 06/18/2009 at 9:32am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

by NoBalls / 06/11/2009 at 8:23pm / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

by Cail / 06/01/2009 at 7:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

by Gumfanatic302 / 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

by buymeadrank / 04/30/2009 at 11:11am / United States (Idaho) / Health