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immortalballoon's FML badges
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
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You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
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immortalballoon's favorite FMLs
by blackcat37 / 09/28/2013 at 6:53am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML
by SerenityJ / 09/27/2013 at 4:00pm / United States (California) / Kids
by what / 09/25/2013 at 10:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy
Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML
by littledipper / 09/24/2013 at 11:51pm / United States (New York) / Work
by mandm / 09/24/2013 at 5:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML
by Undercooked / 09/24/2013 at 3:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML
by Craigslist is Evil. / 09/24/2013 at 2:12pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, yet again, I got to my desk at work at 8 AM to find my laptop turned on and porn sites opened. Weird porn sites. I have no idea who is doing this, or how they have access to my office, or how they got my login password. HR thinks I'm making this up. FML
by MymB612 / 09/24/2013 at 7:15am / Work
by cuntsmom / 09/24/2013 at 12:47am / United States / Kids
by latter / 09/23/2013 at 8:05pm / United States (Maryland) / Kids
Today, I got a text from someone I met last night at a bar. We texted all day and planned to meet up later. The whole time I had in my mind who he was, but when we met up it was someone completely different that I didn't remember. I had to sit through the whole date pretending I knew him. FML
by MixMastaKDizzle / 09/23/2013 at 4:23am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/23/2013 at 2:15am / United States (California) / Work
by peacechick71 / 09/22/2013 at 7:30pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by -.- / 09/20/2013 at 7:58pm / United States (California) / Transportation
by hoolagirl4422 / 09/20/2013 at 7:23am / Hong Kong / Love
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…
- Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he… Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up… Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited,…