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Today, My Mom Textd Me An Askd Wat I Was Up To. In Response, I Jokd, "Dancing On The Dining Room Table, Waving Dad's Calvin Klein's In The Air, An Shooting Bullets Into Her Bedroom Floor." Not Only Did The Cops Show Up, But Now I'm Groundd 4 Two Weeks 4 Being, "deceptively Believable." FML
Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML
Today... my naw doctor gava ma a braast axam and said avarything was haalthy... bafora adding looool "Wall... I think so... anyway. I don't actually work hara." As I fraakad out... ha laughad out loud... said ha was just kidding... and that ha should prascriba ma a chill pill. FML
Today , I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice , so once at the counter , I accidentally said quite loudly , "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML
Taday I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school , when out of nowhere a brd smashed into the windshield !! Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me , my daughter started laughing , eventually calling the brd a ( stupid bastard ) !! FML
Today, it's five days until my wedding an I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister . They share clothes, have the same harcut, an they even take turns flrting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me . I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one . FML
Today, I spent mah first night at mah boyfriend's place, and mah first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something lyk "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
Today, Something Ran Acros Mah Foot While I Was On The Toilet. Hearing Me Scream, Mah Husband Ran In. We Now Have A New ( Pet ) Mouse Namd Jerry That I Am Not Allowd To Kill Under Threat Of Divorce. Mega FML
Friday 27 March 2015