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Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
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An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
Abominations's favorite FMLs
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
by ugh / 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
by fartz / 08/31/2013 at 2:04am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
by Anonymous / 08/30/2013 at 12:14pm / United States (Washington) / Love
by itsellie27 / 08/30/2013 at 10:44am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health
Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML
by Thanks everyone / 08/28/2013 at 6:35pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love
by DefinitelyNotDogshit / 08/28/2013 at 12:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
by Serum / 08/05/2013 at 12:41pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy
by confused_girl / 08/01/2013 at 1:10am / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML
by awkward / 07/26/2013 at 2:00pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
by MarkQ95 / 07/21/2013 at 7:58pm / Ireland / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML
by WTF / 07/14/2013 at 4:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Love
by a man / 07/13/2013 at 9:20am / United States (Texas) / Love
by Wtf / 07/10/2013 at 1:24am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by hamburger / 07/06/2013 at 5:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML
by juliearis / 07/06/2013 at 3:45pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money