Nearly FML

By crapnugget - 03/04/2016 09:17 - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, my boyfriend asked me to help him apply hair remover cream to his back. Because he's Italian and is self conscious about his hair I agreed. While I was arms deep in the foul smelling cream, he asked me to do his arse crack 'because I was already there'. I got a handful of crap as thanks. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 08:00 - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

Today I had a friendly competitive battle with a friend in a video game. I stated if he managed to get more kills than me that I would take his choice of character seriously. He was losing, and since I was proving him wrong he ended our 6 year friendship. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By randomuserlolol - 03/04/2016 07:30 - United States - Newark

Today, my key to my house broke inside of my doorknob. This would have been fine had I not been running from a very aggressive dog. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By fuxtix - 03/04/2016 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister-in-law got mad at me because we didn't ask her daughter (our niece) to be a bridesmaid at our wedding. we got married 10 years ago; our niece was born 6 years ago. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By nowsingle - 03/04/2016 07:17 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I learned that when my boyfriend jokingly broke up with me on April Fool's day, that he wasn't joking. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 07:09

Today, I found out my 10 month old has a fascination with moles after he tried to scratch mine off to the point where he drew blood. I now have blood all over my white shirt and chest. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By salii321 - 03/04/2016 07:02 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I found myself mentally doing CTRL-F as I wanted to find a key word whilst studying for an exam. I guess due to so much stress I forgot I was actually reading my textbook. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Kurby14 - 03/04/2016 06:39 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, after being with someone for almost 5 years and standing with them in the hardest times, I discovered he has been cheating on me and sexting under age girls. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 06:18 - Canada - Penetanguishene

Today, my boyfriend fingered me so hard that he thought I squirted when I came. It was pee. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 2

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 05:48 - United States - Richmond

Today, I saw a girl crying on the subway. Wanting to be a good samaritan, I sat next to her and offered her a tissue. She shoved me out of my seat and screamed at me to leave her alone. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By reverseracism? - 03/04/2016 05:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's father told me how happy he was his son was dating a white girl. He said he's not allowed to date outside his race, even though he's 23 years old. Uh, thanks? FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By nec6 - 03/04/2016 05:26 - United States - Abingdon

Today, while we were eating out at a restaurant, my 9 year old sister got wings and also learned what a boner is. She asked me, very loudly, if I wanted a wing and I said sure. Then, still very loudly, said "Do you want a one-boner or a two-boner?" She meant a flat or a drum. Everyone heard. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 05:25 - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, I met the guy that I'm being forced to train to replace me at my high paying job. Not only is he a hardcore juggalo, my coworkers all agree he's more fun and more competent than I am. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Ano "Clitoris" Nymous - 03/04/2016 05:01 - United States - Northampton

Today, I was hanging out with some friends. It came up that none of them knew my middle name, so they took turns guessing it. The closest they got was "Clitoris." FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By sheilandthegirls - 03/04/2016 04:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have developed a full body, itchy rash expected to last 6-8 weeks. This is the second time in 4 months that I have had this rash. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By anon - 03/04/2016 04:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after dieting and working out for weeks, my friends told me I had the perfect body to dress up as Pam from Archer on Halloween. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By anonymous - 03/04/2016 04:06 - Canada - London

Today, my 3 friends all got into a fight, and I am now getting texts from each of them trying to get me on their side. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By That's what you get for being nice, kids. - 03/04/2016 03:41 - United States - Bradenton

Today, as I was closing up at work, I noticed my coworker had forgotten to set out the newspapers for the next day. So, I did so and stayed behind as he and my manager left. When I was finally able to leave, my car wouldn't start. I was stranded for an hour alone in a sketchy dark parking lot. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By rsue - 03/04/2016 03:40 - United States

Today, I learned what's even worse than having the Mexican food shits: having them while on your period. Every muscle from my ribcage to my knees is cramping. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By mh_2323 - 03/04/2016 03:26 - United States - Troutville

Today, my boyfriend told me he has a STD. That he got from my friend. And he knew about this a week ago but he was too afraid to tell me. And we've had sex since then. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By kitty4life - 03/04/2016 03:14 - United States - Mansura

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty heated in my bedroom..well he put his hands in my pants, felt my pubic hair and looked at me and started singing "warm kitty, soft kitty, little ball of fur." I died inside, FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Springtime Supernova - 03/04/2016 03:10 - United States - Roy

Today, I went in to the physical therapy program director to see why I wasn't accepted. She said I was an excellent candidate on paper, but that, "You are terrible at interviews." She said I seemed too nervous and if I changed my whole personality I would probably be accepted next year. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Just Saying - 03/04/2016 03:09 - United States - Lexington

Today, My sister called me a whore for dating two different dudes in the same month. Let me point out she's working on her 9th marriage. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By terri_fran90 - 03/04/2016 03:03 - United States - Medina

Today, my fiance and I announced our engagement, only to be told by my horrendous to be mother in - law, "Nows really not the time for news like that." FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By xyris - 03/04/2016 02:56 - United States - Coldwater

Today, my dad assured me his dog would never hurt anyone and encouraged me to play with him. Two minutes in, he drew blood. My dad doesn't take responsibility. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 02:54 - United States - Washington

Today, the spyware my mother installed on my computer is literally destroying it. My computer now runs like absolute shit, but she says I am not "trustworthy" enough to not have it. The only "bad" thing that ever happened was when my COUSIN used it to watch porn without me knowing. FML.

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By sillysadness - 03/04/2016 02:47 - United States - Carter Lake

Today, my misogynistic father got completely shitfaced and told me that the reason he and my mom were divorced was that he can't handle two women in his home at the same time. He then proceeded to tell me about how he cheated on his girlfriend by having a threesome with two college girls. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 02:42 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me, the day before my birthday. This is the second time this happened to me. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By springbreak - 03/04/2016 02:40 - United States

Today, I got my tonsils out. My pain medication makes me nauseous and my anti-nausea medicine gives me migraines. Only 9 more days of recovery left. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

By ex-girlfriend - 03/04/2016 02:33 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and still asked for my half of the rent although he had packed all my things and put them on the porch with a list of for rent condos. FML

agreeclassic 2

vote type 1 0

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Top

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

agreeclassic 18 697

vote type 1 59 296

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

agreeclassic 2 430

vote type 1 400

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

agreeclassic 4 646

vote type 1 525

Today, my girlfriend of six years burst into tears and said yes repeatedly when I presented her with a ring. I then had to explain that it was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. She looked me in the eye and dumped me on the spot. Apparently, promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their thirties. FML

agreeclassic 743

vote type 1 14 229

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

agreeclassic 21 143

vote type 1 1 398

Today, I accidentally used wood stain instead of hairspray. Surprisingly, it doesn't come out that easily. FML

agreeclassic 387

vote type 1 797