Nearly FML

By 3_n_Done - 05/04/2016 15:35 - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized how sexually frustrated I am. I dreamt I was in a porn flick and the women refused to have sex with me because of my bad breath. I got cock-blocked by my subconscious. FML.

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By Pained - 05/04/2016 15:34 - Puerto Rico - Mayaguez

Today, I went downstairs at 3 am to find my grandpa standing in the middle of the living room in total darkness. When I turned on the lights and asked if he was ok, he got startled, punched me in the eye and tried to strangle me saying I was a dirty Nazi. FML

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By bahklava - 05/04/2016 15:30 - United States - Oakland

Today, I thought I was working out a problem with my long-distance girlfriend. In fact, I was really talking to her younger cousin who was quoting "Sorry" by Justin Bieber. FML.

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By armoredtitan - 05/04/2016 15:24 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I rode a bus and needed to fart so bad. Good thing there was loud music playing so I let it all out. Only I realized I was wearing my headphones. FML

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By Am_I_Crazy - 05/04/2016 15:16 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, my social paranoia hit a new low when I started censoring my thoughts, in a subconscious fear that other people could not only hear my thoughts, but were judging me for them. FML

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By Sorry mom - 05/04/2016 15:16 - United States - Newhall

Today, I was showing my mom pictures from a musuem I had went to with my nephew. I was going through the pictures so fast she accidentally seen an Xrated picture my gf sent me. I can never undo this, FML

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By emmmma - 05/04/2016 15:13

Today, I spent $234 on new shoes. As soon as I put them on the floor in my room, my dog decided it would be cute to lift his leg and piss on them. FML

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By nozVail - 05/04/2016 15:06 - United States - Champlin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend didn't want to break up with me because she "didn't want to hurt my feelings." Apparently, me finding her in my bed with another guy was better than telling me. FML

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By wilhelmthegreat - 05/04/2016 15:04 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I was helping out my mom, who lives in a retirement home. While I bent over to pick up the bath mat from the floor, she farted on my face. FML.

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 14:49

Today, my boyfriend suffers from depression, and after we were finally being able to move into a new flat and afford basic necessities, he genuinely smiled for the first time in months and said he felt better. Also today, I lost my job and have to figure out how to tell him without breaking him. FM

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By Genius_Kitty - 05/04/2016 14:46 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a brand new experience. Too bad it was the sensation of "extra minty" toothpaste in my eyeball. FML

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By Arachnophobiac - 05/04/2016 14:21 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, my inflatable hammer popped. This wouldn't have been too bad if a swarm of angry spiders didn't crawl out of the tear. FML.

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By foreveralone - 05/04/2016 14:14 - United States - Wyoming

Today, I witnessed another prom proposal. Feeling upset that it's my senior year and I never got one, I told my guy friend I kinda like that I wish someone would do that to me. He just laughed and said "Yeah that'll never happen." FML

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By MyoraField - 05/04/2016 13:54 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, knowing that she didn't have the guts to do it herself. I expected her to be happy, but I didnt expect her to immediately ask out my my friend sitting next to me and kiss her passionately when she said yes. FML

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By mfmylifesrsly - 05/04/2016 13:53 - United States - Houston

Today, while shopping at Walmart, the security man accused me of stealing and asked for my information. He then texted me, flirting before he dismissed me. I left and started having an anxiety attack while driving, which resulted into me running into a stalled car and totalling my car. FML

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By umplay - 05/04/2016 13:50 - Canada - Moncton

Today, after having quite the headcold, my girlfriend decided to cheer me up with a blowjob. After I finished she wanted to have sex. As I was going down On her, my headcold decided to turn into a stomach flu. Needless to say sex was not had. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 13:22 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, I was walking alongside and icy lake when I slipped in a puddle. My backpack with my computer, phones, and headphones in it fell into the water and flowed away. FML

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By wanderingvirus - 05/04/2016 13:19 - Canada - Orillia

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend I felt a burning when peeing. After getting checked, I found out she gave me chlamydia....again. FML

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By SA.Co - 05/04/2016 12:56 - Australia - Seaton

Today I decided to reward my revision effort by visiting a new store I really wanted to check out. While I was changing the owner locked me in and left. I eventually escaped, but I was late for my test. FML.

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By kacexlaced - 05/04/2016 12:48 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was walking into the building at my college. It was dark and hardly anyone was there yet. I heard footsteps and keys jingling right behind me and was sure someone was following me. I got to the glass door to see my own reflection and my keys hanging halfway out of my pocket. FML.

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By bakerbuddy - 05/04/2016 12:41 - United States - Hollywood

Today, is my kids 10 birthday and I promised him I would make him cupcakes for him and his friends but as I am a man with no baking experience I attempted it ended with 10 burnt cup cakes and a need for a new home FML.

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 12:27 - United States - Kannapolis

Today I realized that I spent 60,000 dollars and four years of my life, in order to obtain a bachelors degree that has gotten me nowhere. I am now performing the job of a high school dropout at a factory. FML

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By 2Ugly4Her - 05/04/2016 12:24 - United States

Today, I got a snapchat from a girl I've never heard of, we started talking and she wanted a picture of me I sent one and her response? "Ew sorry I can't date you because no offense but your ugly af" FML

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 12:02 - United States - Raleigh

Today someone asked about my fiancé. This was news to me, as I am currently single. I guess this explains why no one is taking an interest in me. FML

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By NotTheFavouriteChild - 05/04/2016 11:50 - United Kingdom - Uxbridge

Today, I got the information that my parents gave my sister the money to pay for her Uni fees and accommodation and even food! I have been working 2 jobs and still had to take out a loan to help pay for my Uni, accommodation and food! FML

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By jet223 - 05/04/2016 11:26 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I tried to curb my dad's gambling addiction when I found out that he bet Villanova would win with a 3 in the last minute for $10,000. Now he won't shut up and he thinks he can gamble on anything and will win. FML

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By loner - 05/04/2016 11:08 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. I was fairly sure she would say yes. When I pulled out the ring box she said at the exact same time "I think we should see other people". FML

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 10:48 - United States

Today- at 12am'l. I took my 5y/o to the ER for severe abdoninal pains that woke him from his sleep. Ended up paying for the most expensive poop ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 10:39 - United States - Taunton

Today, my dad finally realized that its not the school's fault that my sister has been acting like a two-year-old at school for the past three months. He now says its my fault, that she learned it from me, and that I'm grounded until she straightens out. FML.

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By somegirl1234 - 05/04/2016 10:22 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He really got into it and managed to knock me unconsious with his head. When I woke up he said "I was not sure if I should pull out so I just finished inside you." I know have a huge bump and headache and were not even satisfied. FML

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Top

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

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vote type 1 944

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren't allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for "goofing off" when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for "attempting to defy them". FML

agreeclassic 36 146

vote type 1 3 039

Today, someone finally got the guts to punch my extremely rude mother in the face. My wife. FML

agreeclassic 26 149

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Today, I was uninvited to a family reunion because I’m the result of my mom’s affair while she was married to her husband, who raised me as a dad for 22 years before we found out. According to my aunts, uncles, and cousins who I grew up with, it means I’m not really family anymore. FML

agreeclassic 606

vote type 1 80

Today, I found out my mom is still cheating on my dad with her ex boyfriend from her teenage years. She was caught last year, but apparently it's still going on. FML

agreeclassic 1 100

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Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML

agreeclassic 24 550

vote type 1 13 821