Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML
Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML
Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to say it to me. FML
Today, my husband said a cheery, "Hi!" to me after 4 hours of nonstop Zoom calls. I spun around happily and greeted him back. Turns out he just joined another Zoom call. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
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Top comments
sarah6786 14
Next time when you wake up roll over and say "good morning sexy" to your vibrator.
chelsearenaeee 16
Turtles can be pretty cute.
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Comments (59)
sarah6786 14
Next time when you wake up roll over and say "good morning sexy" to your vibrator.
fuckmahteeth 4
or be like you were amazing last night...vibrator ;)
jonn090 13
I say that to my crack. Fun times , fun times....
chelsearenaeee 16
Turtles can be pretty cute.
Success4444 12
If he makes breakfast for the turtle instead of you, you'll know it's time to be worried.
zandalee 19
...or tries to have sex with it...
garrett1999o3 16
I need to get up early for FML's. Because you guys always steal the best jokes. ;_;
Kal3Y 12
That must be a gorgeous turtle he has there.
buddy51 23
OP- good you saved yourself the mortification of having your reptile-loving turtle-humping husband confirm his true love is his teeny turtle. No accounting for some people's tastes, OP. Better you know know and move on than that you stay and play third wheel to a terrapin!
hotPinklipstick 24
I normally don't comment crap like this, but, this confused the **** out of me. I've reread this like 10 times and I can't comprehend what #5 is trying to say. Can anyone else decipher this?
Catkam623 27
I think he misread the fml and somehow thought that the ops husband has a turtle fetish, while it may be true he prefers the turtle to op that doesn't mean he wants to **** the turtle
buddy51 23
Doesn't mean he doesn't want to either. And it does mean he's more loving to his turtle than to OP... That sound good to you? I suggest OP cut her losses and leave reptile boy...
mrpotatohead36 7
Well turtles are pretty damn beautiful!
dmoran20 27
Specially in soup, nothing like veggies and turtle to start your morning off, with the exception of smoked wild pig... Mmmm memories :-/
dramaelf 37
To be fair, turtles are pretty awesome.
Interwebzombie 15
Especially the ones that wear ninja mask.
warsun 27
And with swords and nunchucks
perdix 29
Maybe you need to come out of your shell.
derpies 12
Is your husbands nickname "crab man"?
ironichalibut 24
"Hey Earl" :D "Hey Crab-Man."
carmel1110 12
No one beats mr.turtle
Reaper1984 13
It sounds like he's one of those who once he has you he lays off the affection...... sorry OP and good luck
buckdharma 37
Oh snap Joy, your identity has been blown again. Tell the Crabman and Mr. Turtle, I said hey.