Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my daughter told me she would rather hang herself than hang out with me. All I did was remind her to go to bed at a reasonable time to get some sleep for an activity she likes doing. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML
Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML
Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML
Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me God, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
FellowYellow 10
At least your daughter isn't attempting to suck all the oxygen out of the room so you don't have any left XD But in all seriousness OP you should lock the doors before you sleep, sweet dreams!
onealmxwilson 18
How scary this is depends on the age of said daughter.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (112)
FellowYellow 10
At least your daughter isn't attempting to suck all the oxygen out of the room so you don't have any left XD But in all seriousness OP you should lock the doors before you sleep, sweet dreams!
colton_colton 50
I would lock and barricade the doors...just to be safe
littlem91 29
Considering the kids FMLs on here, I'm not sure why anyone reproduces. Seems all children are evil.
kjack49044 18
No, it's just that no good kids have any reason to end up in thus site.
beerlaoisawesome 10
I don't suppose your daughter's name is Chucky?
claiiire_fml 17
Chucky is a boy's name. So, no, your guess is incorrect.
onealmxwilson 18
How scary this is depends on the age of said daughter.
colton_colton 50
Let's hope she's younger so she doesn't ever actually go through and try something..
niallo 23
Unless she is younger then 4, I'd be concerned. I don't know how many times I've read of kids killing their parents. That being said, strap her down at night (and lock your door, just in case). If she whines, tell her not to say that shit.
Sports_guy3 28
Really? "Shit"?! What the hell are you thinking? Yeah, we'd all teach our children bad language.
VampOfSavannah 31
63, take a chill pill.
Octwo 16
66, 63 was being sarcastic.
BoltTheSuperdog 22
Anyone else reminded of "Orphan" right now?
pinkster2014 25
#68, I like your profile pic haha. I saw that episode of Cyanide and Happiness, butt cancer lol And to OP, you should put your daughter to sleep in her room, lock her door (if it locks) and then hurry to your room to lock yourself in. If something goes wrong call for help xD Good luck with that OP
Tyler10ftw 4
Lock your bedroom door!
reneetlovesyou 30
Lock EVERY door so she doesn't try to cut someone else's head off after she can't get to OP!
wellthen7154 12
Screw locking doors, find out what sharp objects she has access to! It sounds like she's not very old, and if you have small children with knives you're gonna have a bad time.
RpiesSPIES 27
But what if she catches him as he uses his ladder to climb inside each room in order to lock them?
CatchMe25 16
Hmmm maybe keep her away from sharp objects until you can convince her it's wrong
Ermony 3
Convinse her...LOL yeah my mom convimced me when when I eas you by "talking" calmy while cursing. Snd stroking my body with a leather belt, shoe, fence, wire practically she stroked me with everything in our house by 18
abhi95 31
Tell her her ass is on the road if by any chance you survive!
Ambient25 24
Because that won't motivate her to like, make sure the job gets done...
abhi95 31
That's one way to look at it. Come to think of it.. She must already have a means to get by without her mom if she's planning on terminating her.. Well.. Guess I didn't think that one through!
JustinKirby 20
Punish her?
TAHK 11
I don't know why this is getting thumbed down. She needs to know that it isn't ok to say that to anyone. My mom slapped the **** out of me for less.
Shadowsofthedead 10
Because punishing a likely young child for saying nonsensical things, like young children tend to do, is totally the right thing to do.
Redoxx_fml 22
She obviously didn't really mean it. Kids just say the darnest things...
Soloman212 28
The point of disciplining a child isn't to judge them as evil, it's to let them know what's wrong and right. So yes, you should ESPECIALLY do it if they don't know what they're doing, to teach them that it's wrong.
UberNova 18
This is why humans need a reset button. "Ah shit, I ****** this one up too, i'll just reset her and try again."
Welshite 39
They're called belly buttons. Unfortunately, half the time they're broken.
Catahoulaqueen_fml 17
Have you heard of lobotomy? lol
littlekellilee 45
I refuse to have a child until I can get a tamagotchi through a life cycle without killing it or resetting it. Fifteen years and still no dice.
sunshine41196 12
#20 right on! lobotomy is the solution to this! XD
mcr2000 11
at least she isnt wacing her hand in your face trying to steal your oxygen.
Clay_Pidgeon 11
didn't #1 already make this reference...
andrewturtle 16
I know right, the idea of 'wacing' is terrifying!
4XD54 2
I recommend sleeping with you door locked for the rest of the night.
Fr0gs 15
Well we know she didnt learn it from you, right?