Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML
Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML
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Top comments
watchme 11
I suggest locking your door at night
shorty6823 28
I don't think he's old enough to really understand death... And how permanent it is
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Comments (169)
shorty6823 28
I don't think he's old enough to really understand death... And how permanent it is
Roskosity 22
I don't think he even understands what death is at all.
lilhellian 26
Or perhaps he does. It would make a good horror movie. The five year old from hell.
shorty6823 28
Well, he could understand it to a point, as in like an extremely long nap type way. And I would pay to see the 5 Year Old From Hell.
PaintedTempest 14
That's true. Kids say the darnedest things.
SamanthaCassieL 10
My boyfriend lost his sister a couple years back and his brother was 10 at the time and didn't fully understand it while she was sick.. He completely understood the intensity and how permanent it is after she passed.. Children don't.. Just explain to him as best as you can why he shouldn't do it.. And keep this story for his wedding day to embarrass him... If you make it to then ;)
journeytotheend 16
What she said.... Unless he kills you before then
Clioo_fml 17
53, she said that too..
greenfishbait 19
A lot of parents explain death as "going to a better place". Maybe he thought he was helping?
dogpfcorn 11
Sigh he knows that all you need to do is hit "x" and you respawn! Don't give the kid a hard time
glamorous18 10
godsend?
jessi_sunshine 26
But what if the kid is really a budding sociopath?? I'd get psychiatric consultation at the very least. /:
EsotericBrent 29
Old movie, but has anyone else here seen "The Omen"?
josiem 11
I understood death and its permanence at that age, and the child has clearly made the connection between suffocation and death. That suggests to me that he understands enough for this to be a genuine concern.
josiem 11
I agree. They tend to start young, and often for no apparent reason. They have recently discovered there is an actual physical difference in the brains of sociopaths. Not all of them turn into killers (in fact, many come from good homes with no past trauma), but all of them share these characteristics (in terms of brain function and such). OP, if you read this, there is an extremely interesting documentary called "Are You Good or Evil?" and it might be of interest if you have genuine concerns about your child.
kaitlynjane 28
#148 i think i've seen something very similar to what you're talking about, it was called "how evil are you?" Anyway, it said the same thing about how serial killers all have a similar part of their dna. Yet, not all people with it become serial killers, but many politicians have it, too. Kinda creepy. That documentary was incredible, though. I recommend it to everyone!!
watchme 11
I suggest locking your door at night
rg350dx 29
I'm sure evil like that just bypasses the door completely and teleports straight to the closet or under the bed.
zandalee 19
Is your child called Chucky by any chance OP?
PrimeEvilTahir 24
... Or Stewie... DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN! DIE!
patrickalamo 47
Locked door and gun under your pillow.
vlad640 1
#103-if this kid is so evil he can get passed a locked door with no problems i should think holy water might be better then a gun xD
DarksideDoll 31
This is why Dexter before bedtime is a bad idea.
cristy91 33
Maybe he doesn't understand the significance of "die" yet? He could just think it's a big sleep and be looking out for your rest! Or maybe you've been leaving soap operas on during his nap time and he's getting ideas... Hmm
Axipiter 24
If the kid was getting ideas from soap operas, it'd probably take three weeks to execute a murder plot...
ladytigerhunts 20
But, OP was already sleeping. So your explanation wouldn't make any sense at all.
Sabriiyah_Witter 5
Sorry but I laughed way to hard at this
alfakennybody 10
So did I
JoshArson 22
Ditto
DracoSpirita 21
Ditto!? DracoSpirita uses PokéBall!
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
44 your fat Pooh bear pic is kinda cute lol
kakarot2 11
I could not help but to think about stewie from family guy lol
AshaaFerreira 22
This is the reason why there is private message. To keep comments about the fml not the fat pooh bear
Cartera 10
62 - Now that you caught a Ditto, ***** the shit out of it and make it give you eggs!
Pussycat86 18
83 I was thinking more of Damian from the omen
XxTaliaxX 16
I cannot stop laughing my ass off. A little killer in the making.
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
baby hitler. kind of terrifying!
Kalipczo 21
Huh. Maybe you should take him to talk to someone about that; I wouldn't worry too much though. It's probably something he saw on tv or an imitation of what a friend did.
Love_sosa 10
so a 5 year old is friends with a killer?
Kalipczo 21
As in if he was playing a cops and robbers type game with his friends...
DracoSpirita 21
I don't think a Cops and Robbers game gets so serious that someone actually dies. Unless its played with real cops and real robbers.
PhDInLife 8
His name isn't Jeffrey by chance is it?? Seems like you should address this. What's funny to you could be construed as problematic behavior by teachers or other adults...not to mention a little creepy!
FiFiLovee 26
I was seriously thinking the same thing! XD I'm sorry OP but your kid seems kinda scary. . Never underestimate children. O.e
Softballchhickk 11
yep taking him to therapy seems like good choice
Azeri_fml 11
Red rum?
Softballchhickk 11
The Shining so happens to be on right now haha
daizttgg 9
I see you, and dat code geass Gurl. =.=
Azeri_fml 11
60, should I be worried?
SystemofaBlink41 27
As they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
ImThatBish 1
@139..it makes him a dull boy not a killer
Olympiakos10 15
First sleep walking, now sleep MURDER!
ShadowAirplane 9
Murder has been known to happen while someone was sleep walking as well as Rape, Driving and I think Robbery.
MartiOan 8
I recently read a warning issued by the FDA warning of such activities performed while sleeping as a side-effect of certain drugs. Sleepwalking was never mentioned, only sleepdriving and sleepcooking and -eating. The times, they are 'a changing.